Monday, December 31, 2007

Investing in the Future

I recently posted on TTCAM that I'd decided to stop describing my TTC history as "1 confirmed and 2 suspected miscarriages" and instead own up to 3. If there was enough to make the Dr. suspect, that's enough to call it for what it is, wouldn't you say?

With that off my chest, I have to say that despite that witch AF showing up on Thursday, I feel so very much more hopeful for the future. This IS going to happen. At some point. And some how. Maybe it'll happen on its own. Maybe I'll go on more prescription meds. Maybe we'll have to look into some form of assistance - IVF or whatnot. And maybe the road will lead us to adoption instead. But I know, I know, I KNOW that we're going to become parents. We love kids too damn much to fail in that endeavor.

FD and I had a rather tearful discussion yesterday morning when we woke up...on his birthday no less. He expressed that he was afraid this was all his fault because we'd been pregnant before and so WTF was going wrong now after so damn many cycles of trying. I was trying to console him and so I resorted to the statistics: that on any given month, any given combination of a woman and a man only has a slip of a percentage of actually creating another human life.

That didn't work. He pointed out that among our friends and family, so many other people got pregnant without ever even giving it a second thought. That's true...and so I can't argue that. What I could point out, though, is that everyone is different.

He asked me when I was going to go back to the doctor and what we could do next to get this show on the road. I explained (ok, well, explained again) that the doctor wasn't going to do anything for us until either (a) we had at least 12 consecutive months of trying without conceiving or (b) another 2 or 3 confirmed miscarriages. He really fussed over that...said that we'd stopped using protection in May 2006, and surely that was long enough ago that to not have had success by now, the doctor should be doing something to help us. Unfortunately, as I pointed out, it doesn't work like that. :-(

FD then asked if I would consider trying a fertility monitor like he'd seen in the drugstore. I was shocked, quite honestly. As we're trying to cut costs and pay off debt and not add any expenses...preparing for when little ones do join our household, in other words...I didn't think he'd be interested in something so pricey. But he was totally serious...and after discussing it, that's the route we're going.

We went out, and after visiting SEVEN drugstores, we finally found a CBEFM as well as a box of test sticks. $250 later, and we have our new TTC plan.

Fortunately, it was CD 4, so we're early enough to start this cycle. We agreed that we'd do exactly as the directions say - we'll go this route religiously for six months, and if after six months we don't have a BFP, we'll go back to my doctor and ask for a full round-up of testing on both of us. At that point, we'll be at 1+ year of trying after our April '07 M/C, and in fact at 1+ year of trying after the three months the doc suggested we take off after the M/C before trying again. (Advice we took with a grain of salt, continuing to just not prevent and see what would happen.)

So here we's what we're going to do:

CD 5-Ovulation - Mucinex, 400 mg, 1 x daily.
CD 5-AF - Baby Aspirin, 1 x daily.
Ovulation-AF - Progesterone cream daily.
Prescription meds as normal. (For my thyroid)

Six months. You can survive six months of anything, right? FD told me that he'd read in one place that it was better to BD every other day during "good" times and in another place to BD as often as you can. I told him that I thought we should just continue to do what we do...aim for the good times - now with the help of the CBEFM as well as my BBT - and not stress over the thought of too much/too little. We also agreed that I'd come home on my lunch break on whatever CBEFM tells us are peak days, since we might miss them otherwise because of our opposite work schedules.

So we're entering 2008 in a hopeful state. Ladies, let's make this a great year for all of us. Here's to LOTS of sticky BFPs in 2008!



Tuesday, December 25, 2007

No Christmas BFP

I'm sorry that I haven't been around much recently. I took on a really big project and it's consumed my life. BFP for us today for Christmas. I've blown two tests this week - Saturday night at 7 DPO and this morning at 10 DPO.

Still have REALLY sore BBs. On Sunday, had cramping on my lower left abdomen that was kind of bad, but hasn't been repeated. My tummy has felt odd on and off, but not consistently.

Have a bit of spotting that started a couple hours ago. The first wipe, it was pink and streaky. Then it was just mixed in with my CM. Nothing to write home about.

Haven't had my pre-AF lower back cramping yet...but then again, AF isn't due until Thursday or Friday. And I have had pre-AF spotting at 10 DPO before that was just a precursor of the witch, so I'm hesitant to even hope this is implantation spotting.

We're headed out of town for a few the witch'll either visit me while we're gone, or we'll get a good surprise. What an extreme. ARGH!

Hope ya'll are having a good holiday.



Friday, December 14, 2007

All I Want for Christmas... a BFP!

That's a siggy blinkie that you ladies from TTCAM are so familiar with - well, I don't have one in my siggy, but boy do I believe in it.

FD is so damn sweet. We were sitting talking about Christmas presents the other night and he looked me straight in the eye and told me that what he really wanted to give me for Christmas was a baby. Isn't he the best? Since bedtime was near, off we went to practice up! :-)

Not sure what my cycle will hold this month. Had EWCM today - earlier than "normal". We're going on the BD every other day after CD10 theory this month...this'll be the month we make the biggest effort to date.

Still trying not to be hopeful, but if we basically double our efforts, maybe that'll be the trick? I just really feel like I need something to be hopeful for.


FD has apparently been reading up or researching how to get pregnant tips...he's now reminding me to stay laying down for a little while afterwards and sticking a pillow under my hips to tilt. There's absolutely no way he'd ever know to do something like that if he wasn't doing some checking on his own...and that means a lot to me.

He's also started asking more questions about temping and such. After so long of not really talking about it, because it was just too painful I think...this is a good change. FD's always been supportive, but this is just even better.'s hoping that somehow, someway December is different from all of the other months before this and that something good comes our way.

Christmas Day is CD26...if I have any symptoms at all, I'm going to test. Some of my cycles are 27 days, some 28, so it might be borderline if I'd get a good reading one way or another, but man wouldn't that be the greatest Christmas present ever? Besides, we leave the next day to go out of town for 4 days and will be staying with family, so I'd rather test ahead of time than on the road.

Here's sending Baby Dust and P&PTs to all of us for the best Christmas ever!



Sunday, December 9, 2007

Busy Week - But I'm Here!

Whew - where has December gone already? Between work, freelancing and life, I have no idea where this past week has gone. Just took on a large writing project that should turn into a steady thing - yay! Work busy as usual - went to MSP last week and this week I'm off to SJC. Life - yeah, when isn't that busy?

On the TTC front...nada. Had a longer-and-weirder-than-normal period, but what does that really mean? Two days of flow, then two days of spotting, then one more day of flow, then more spotting. Dunno. Not going to think about it too hard, quite'll make my head hurt.

Then...watery almost EWCM yesterday...way too early for that...haven't seen it that early ever. But hey, I'll take it...because...

...we went out on a date last night! YAHOO! We just don't get out much's gotten too busy unfortunately, and it seems that every month we have "extras" to pay for that are just stretching our budget out - new tires, new laptop, new furniture, new brakes, and now Christmas - but we said the hell with it all and went to dinner and a movie. And FD got me BEAUTIFUL white roses. I was thrilled...

...and so, of course when we came home, we took advantage of the watery CM (hubby doesn't know that...he doesn't need TTC details!) and had some more fun. Hehe. So anyways, I know that logically it's way to early in the cycle for that to lead to anything, but hey, doesn't hurt to practice, KWIM? Practice makes perfect! :-)

Well...went from not knowing anyone currently pregnant to two in the space of a week. Number one is our realtor, who also happens to be the wife of one of FD's fellow police officer's. She had her first last February, right before we bought our house (bless her heart...she started working with us when the little one was just two weeks old!) and now will have number two around early June.

Number two is one of my oldest friends. I've known her since we were like six years old. We've been in and out of touch over the years, but connected again through MySpace...and she had a bulletin up yesterday about their good news. They're due in July.

FD made a comment last night that, as usually, just sent my mind spinning. We were kind of talking sarcastically about the POS we see around us who have kinds, and I kiddingly told him that he just needed to lose his job, go broke, sit at home and do nothing all day, never spend time with me and run around with other women and then we could have kids. His reply was "oh, so is that what's holding us back? Hahaha."

Not a bad reply, I guess...kind of tells me he's thinking on this a lot, too. This is cycle ten after our MC in the spring...I can't believe how much time has gone by. I really never believed so much time would pass without getting pregnant again. I thought of my cousin's wife, who got pregnant again almost right away after her MC. I thought of a former coworker, who had two MC's in two month and then got pregnant successfully with twins in the third month. I thought of a friend of a friend who also had two MC's and then in very short order had a successful pregnancy. And I thought, hey, me, too.

Not so much, eh? I know that some of you ladies have been at this far longer than I, but I sometimes wonder how you deal with month after month of...nothing. Since I got pregnant ten months ago and lost the baby just over six weeks later, nothing...and granted, I know we didn't "seriously" try the first few months, but according to my records (before and after I started using FF), we really should have nailed the timing in at least 7 of the 9 cycles before the one we're in now. So what gives?!

I don't know...just a lot to think about. If we don't have any success before then I'll be in cycle 12 post-MC around the time where I conceived last year, and cycle 14 post-MC around the time when I actually miscarried. How can that much time have passed?

Ok, I'm getting way to whiny here, now, I guess, so I'll close. Hope all is well with everyone.



Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Mixed Bag

The good news: hubby's poison ivy started receding even as I was typing the drivel in my last post, so this weekend turned out not to be wasted...for which I am thankful because I desperately needed for something to go right/well.

The bad news: what the flip is up with my chart? FF is claiming that I O'd on CD 12 because I had a freakishly low dip that day. But if I disregard that, the first temperature spike I get is TODAY, which is CD 20, although I guess it could have been creeping up since a kind of low temp on CD 18. But I forgot to temp on CD 17, so no idea if that plays into it. Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have no idea what I'm saying. My chart looks odd. Please go check it out and let me know what you think. Perhaps if I have similar temps tomorrow and the next day, FF will reset itself to a different date? I really wish that of all the days I could have forgotten to temp, it hadn't been the 17th.

2 days to EDD, 1 day to Thanksgiving. The turkey's already in its brine.

Hope everyone has a blessed holiday! Thanks, as always, for reading.



Friday, November 16, 2007

Sanity: Gone (whine/rant)

I said a few posts ago that the goal I had for myself in November was to keep my sanity. Goal definitely not accomplished. This week just went to hell in a hand basket quicker than I could blink.

Now, before I start whining or ranting, I'll tell you that FM and FD are ok...nothing absolutely catastrophic happened, but enough crap went wrong that my head just feels like it's going to explode.

Where to begin?

On Monday, FD was diagnosed with high cholesterol and put on medicine. No real biggie...he takes the meds, it gets controlled, life goes on.

On Tuesday, FM went to the eye doctor for the first time in, oh, let's say, a long time. The good news is that her vision actually improved by just a tad - one step in each eye. Still bad vision, but just a little bit better. The bad news is that the doctor found a cataract busily forming in my left eye. I ask you!!! A cataract at age 27?! Not the end of the world and nothing can be done until it "ripens", but jeez!

On Wednesday, FM's Dad fell and broke his hip. ARGH. Mind you, I was supposed to get on a plane Thursday night to go up and bring him back to my house for the winter. He had surgery on Thursday - plate and screws - and they'll start rehab next week sometime. Good news: not an awful break. Bad news: therapy will take longer than normal because of his Alzheimer's - he won't remember a lot from one time to the next so there will be lots of starting over. The somewhat good news: his doctor will agree to him coming to Texas after he finishes in-patient rehab - which should conclude around the end of the holidays. The somewhat bad news: bringing him to Texas with an even more frail body and having to supervise in-home therapy in my house - ye Gods, that's going to be interesting to say the least.

Thursday, FD realized that the poison ivy he'd picked up while we were gardening last Sunday had started spreading. Want to know where it spread? TMI ALERT! It spread to his you-know-what! Are you kidding me? I find this out on the same day I start oozing EWCM. He went to the Doc and got a shot, but it probably won't finish clearing up until after the weekend. Ironically, I'm allergic to nearly everything that grows EXCEPT poison ivy, but I ain't touching his you-know-what with a ten foot pole until that mess is gone! Which, of course, means that November is a wasted freaking month. I should be O'ing on like Saturday or Sunday. I could scream. I could absolutely scream. Nine freaking cycles and nothing.

Today, I'm just ready to come unglued.

First thing that upset me today: FD called mid-afternoon to say hi, as he normally does when he wakes up. (Don't think him lazy - he sleeps so late because as a cop, he works overnights.) He wasn't at the house however...he was on his way to work. And just then he decides to tell me that he's going in way early tomorrow as well to work a college football game at SMU. Ok. First of all, when the plan still included Dad coming back with me on Saturday, FD was supposed to pick us up from the airport and help me get Dad settled in at home. Next, once my trip got called off (no reason for me to go up - I can't do any more up there than I can from here, and it saves Mom and I fighting), Saturday was supposed to be a time that we could spend together - just the two of us - for the first time since my MIL got here 10 days ago. (MIL went to spent a couple nights at her sister's house around a 1/2 hour from here, because she didn't want to be here alone with FD at work and me out of town and decided to keep her plans even when mine changed.) Now how in the blue hell, I ask you, could FD pick me up from the airport or spend time alone with me if he freaking had to work and knew about it all week????

I am NOT upset that he has to work. I understand that schedules change and work can be crazy. I AM upset, however, that he very blatantly did not communicate this change with me ahead of time. I am even more upset because I very much looked forward to having some time just with my husband. Is that so much to ask for?

Next, I just got off the phone with my all-too-cheerful mother. She's been freaking chipper since Dad broke his hip, because she still got what she wanted - someone else to take responsibility for him for awhile, even if it is the hospital. So she tells me that one of my first cousin's stopped by the hospital to visit Dad today. And somehow she gets on the topic of the fact that between having her second and third child, my cousin's wife had had a miscarriage. And she goes on to lament on how badly this affected the wife and how it derailed some of her plans and how they didn't think they'd be able to have another child and so on.

My mother is one of only a handful of people who knows that I've had a miscarriage. In response to her relating the story of my cousin's wife - not for the first time, either, since the MC was several years ago - I simply said "I understand". I was informed that I couldn't possibly understand and that since the wife had been getting older when she had her MC it was all the more devastating for it to happen. Mom is the same person whose reaction when I told her about my miscarriage was to tell me that I was too young to have children anyways and should just concentrate on other things in my life instead. How I really felt like responding, tonight, when told that I couldn't understand was to make a rude comment about how my cousin (who I really do adore) and his wife could barely afford the first two kids, let alone the third, and not to mention that the third was conceived not very long after her MC...but really, I couldn't bring myself to say something like that. I know that it's no less devastating to have a MC whether you have three kids or none, rich or poor, but dammit, don't tell me that I don't understand. Not when I've been through it myself, and certainly freaking not when I'm a week away from when my baby should be due and despite the fact that 7 months have passed since my MC and I'm in my 9th post-MC cycle, I can't seem to even freaking get pregnant now. WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND!?

And so, finally, that's really my issue, I guess. 1 week to go until the 23rd - my EDD. And no closer to having a child now than on April 1st when my pregnancy failed. My sanity is flipping shot after just a series of things going poorly and then this preying on it besides and I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out because I just don't see any change coming. I'm not hopeful. I just don't have it in me to allow myself to hope for anything. Everywhere I look around me, there are babies. Two will be attending my Thanksgiving dinner - one was born on the day that I learned that my pregnancy was failing; the other is the child of FD's cousin, who, along with her parents, were among some of the only other people that ever knew about my pregnancy and miscarriage. I now wish that I'd talked to some of my girlfriends about this back then, but I didn't...and now I feel like I can't.

I can't wait for this miserable month to just be over. I keep trying, really hard, to look at positive things in my life and think hopeful thoughts for the future, but then I just keep failing. Is it 2008 yet?

Thanks for reading through this drivel.



Monday, November 12, 2007

Nothing, Really

Well, this is an say that I really don't have any update.

My MIL arrived safe and sound for her winter visit on Wednesday. She'll be here until the week after Easter, and, with nearly a week under her belt at our house, seems to be settling in just fine. She's a bit rattled by the general busy-ness of this area in general, but since she hasn't left the house more than a handful of times, she's coping ok.

My Dad will arrive next Saturday - the current plan is that I'll fly up after work on Thursday night, use Friday to get any last-minute details worked out, and then fly back with him Saturday morning. Since I work for the airline and we'll be non-revving it, we have a little bit of flexibility that we can play with, if need be.

It should be an interesting trip, to say the least...Dad has Alzheimer's, and for added fun, hasn't been on a plane in about 10 years or so...I believe his last plane trip was for a family wedding in California in 1995. Back then, his mental state was, I'm really hoping he has a clear day on Saturday, or this could be a bitch of a trip.

Mom's looking forward to her "time off", which is still unbounded by an end date - I just cannot pin her down on when she either wants to join Dad in visiting us in Texas (they live in PA) or when she wants me to bring him back home. Right now, we've agreed upon "a month or two or so."

On our end, it's 11 days to our EDD...and I find myself thinking about that more and more and more. FD's cousin, who was due a day or so before, has already delivered - about a week ago. It just keeps sticking in my mind that I should be as big as a house by now, or perhaps even have a baby in my house and life. :-(

FF is predicting our fertile time to be next weekend...not really sure how I feel about that for this month, honestly. Dad and I won't get back until Saturday afternoon from PA and I suspect it's going to take a few days of nearly constant attention to get him settled in. Added to being so close to the EDD, I just don't think my heart is even in trying for this month. Who knows, though? Maybe 9th post-MC cycle is the charm! Ugh. I can't believe so many months and cycles have gone by.

I'm going to go ahead and end this post before I just depress myself any more. Hope all is well with everyone else - I'll pop over to TTCAM to check on ya'll really soon.



Monday, November 5, 2007

New Month...EDD Looming

Well, the month has changed...and boy is it going to be a busy one!

AF arrived late last Thursday night - so in the end, realism won out over optimism. Wasn't a shock however, and I'm doing ok. Disappointed, but ok.

In November, both my MIL and my father will be joining our household...MIL for 5.5 months, Dad for an undetermined amount of time - as little as a month or as much as three or four. We'll see! My mom needs a break from tending to him - he is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's and can be a handful - especially to my mom, who has less than zero patience.

So...for this month, the theme will be sanity. I can't possibly focus on starting a family this month - there will be too much going on with having MIL and Dad here, then hosting Thanksgiving for 15, and getting through what was supposed to be our due date on November 23rd - which also happens to be my mom's birthday. Argh, argh and more argh.

Going to keep temp. Using the theory of not necessarily trying but not preventing. Who knows - maybe the not trying will be the key - if we don't think about it, it may just happen. Like I said - who knows?!

I'll still be here to post and keep my sanity through sharing my life with all of you - and thank you to so many of you that come and read my drivel. It means so much to me.

Happy November!



Thursday, November 1, 2007


...started spotting, finally, at 10 PM, which is 12 hours later than I normally start an actual flow. So really, still not sure what is going on. It's definite spotting - not just the faint pink streaks my mind may have imagined last night - but it's definitely not a flow. Argh, argh, double argh.

If I want to keep positive, I could argue that today's temp dive could be implantation and tonight's spotting implantation spotting.

If I want to be negative, ergo realistic, I could argue that I normally spot for a day or so before my actual flow starts and although that would mean that this month's cycle is a day longer than usual, that's happened once or twice before.

Argh, argh, double argh.

We leave tomorrow afternoon to camp out for the weekend for NASCAR - just got back from Truck quals in fact. Not going to temp over the weekend - while tent camping, my normal body temperature will be off by too much to get anything accurate. I'm very curious to see tomorrow's temp, however, and when/whether the actual flow starts.

This is just weird.

Off to write for NaNo...



Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Looking like...

...I'm out. Cycle 8 post-MC is a bust. It's not been 100% confirmed yet but...

...BFN on this AM's test...
...Stabby cramps for two days...
...Faint pink streaks appearing as of an hour ago...
...Temps just not very high, although at least higher than the coverline...

This cycle is due to end tomorrow. Typically, the end comes mid- to late- morning. I know, I know, still a slight chance that this isn't over, but just ain't feeling it.

Bad trick, no treat.

On the trying to say something at least a bit positive side, when I was pregnant in the spring, I had light bleeding on the day before and day my period was due. Made me think I'd just had a very light cycle and so I never tested for pregnancy until things started really feeling weird (smells, nausea) a week later. This light light light (I really had to look for it) streaking could be that. Afterall, temp hasn't dropped yet.

But I'm really doubting it.

Time for a chat with hubby. This was only our 2nd of the 8 cycles of really, really trying...the other 6 were left to fate entirely and not charted at all. However, with two houseguests arriving for the winter (my dad's joined the list), and lots of stuff going on at work and just busy-ness in general, it may be time to take a break for a few months, eh?

Thanks for continuing to stop by and read, TTCAM ladies. Love to you all!



Monday, October 29, 2007

Aches and Pains and Cramps, OH MY!

Good (very early) morning, ladies!

One of the moderators on TTCAM, Jessica, posted a note tonight about a potential link between chiropractic treatment and fertility issues. I responded that I'd been treated by a chiropractor in the past (actually, two separate docs) to a great degree of success and was considering seeking treatment again and would be interested in that link myself.

The downside is that now I'm sitting thinking about my various aches and pains and cramps. Argh. I've been working on finishing a critique on a manuscript from my writing group, and although perched on my very comfy new loveseat, I'm having to adjust myself ever five minutes or so, because no position will give respite to my poor painful hips. This problem has grown to the point of the ridiculous. The docs tell me they can give me no meds for this if I'm trying to conceive, but dammit, I'm at the point of no longer being able to cope. They hurt when I stand longer than a few minutes. They hurt when I sit and am not constantly shifting what little weight I have. They hurt when I'm lying flat on my back in bed. Getting the point here?

My last chiropractor told me that he believes the root cause of my hip pain is that one of my legs is slightly longer than the other, causing my hips to tilt and thus pain. I wore a heel life for quite some time, but after I discontinued the chiropractic care that coincided with the practical correction, the pain was back immediately. I'm beginning to discount the entire theory, really...why would the pain continue when I'm sitting or lying? I don't stand for very much time out of any given is it possible for the pain to continue so?

My other aches are of the more manageable variety. My lower back, as always, is sore. I haven't escaped that pain fully in more than ten years. The chiropractors both in PA and TX helped with that, but never fully cured it. The cause? According to both docs, the curvature that was never found in time and corrected. The PA doc predicted that with vertebrate crunching against itself, I'd be nearly immobilized by age 40. I still recall that conversation from time to time and hope dearly that he was just trying to scare me into continuing treatments and that it will not actually become reality. The doc in TX wasn't nearly so harsh - he simply stated that even the most innocuous looking curves (mine really isn't very severe - simply was never caught and corrected when it shold have been) can cause pain. It's funny...if this pain went away, I would notice it more than if it continued. After more than 10 years, I'm quite used to it.

And then my cramping. Abdomen. Lower left side. Sporadic but has been sharp a few times. Feels a bit like your bladder might if it was very full and in need of relief. Not terribly painful, actually, but a sporadic cramp. Not sure what that's about. We'll hope for good reasons instead of bad.

My current insurance costs $30 per chiropractor visit. That's steep in my world, between trying to pay off debt and increase savings. But I'm again beginning to believe that it is worthwhile, if it can at least solve some of my aches and pains...and perhaps even help in the baby department as well!!

Something to ponder!



Friday, October 26, 2007

I had...

...a few drinks tonight, at a girls night out little shindig a few of us put together since its been nearly a year since our last girls night out. And now I'm wondering if I should feel guilty for that. Granted, if anything is a-brewing, it's still way too early to tell. And I drank in moderation - no getting drunk for me! But still...I don't want to do anything to mess myself up, kwim?

Going to bed...trying not to think about it. It's still 5 days until I can even think about testing. Argh.

Have a great weekend, ladies!



Every Month's Trap

Do any of you find yourself, every month, falling into the trap of analyzing every symptom - or non-symptom! - as a potential portent of pregnancy? Argh!

Last month, I had soreness and crampiness and general ickiness and I just knew that it meant I was pregnant. I just knew it.

And I was wrong.

This month is the opposite. I have no symptoms. My temp went back up a bit today and I'm having loads of creamy CM (literally, loads), but nothing else. By this time last month, I was nauseous, sore and just grumbly. This month? Nada.

And I'm still trying to read that as a sign.

I'm trying to look back to the spring, when I suspected nothing until days after AF hadn't arrived, and say, well, if I didn't know, that means I didn't have symptoms, right? Which means this could be the same, right? And I could be pregnant, right?

How frustrating.

I'm finding myself doubting FF again, as well. I mean, why would I have 3 EWCM and 1 watery CM day, all in a row, 2 days before I O'd? By then again, why would FF be wrong - they clearly marked when my temp went up, so they must be right, right?

If FF is wrong, I could potentially be 8 or 9 DPOs instead of 5...far enough along that this extra CM (have I mentioned that it's literally gobs? I can't ever remember seeing so much, just like earlier this month, I couldn't ever before remember seeing so much EWCM) could be a good sign and the extra boost in temp could be a good sign as well.

If FF is right, I'm 5 DPO and just being very, very silly. As usual. And since our LPs shouldn't be off by more than a day each way every month, I'm really being silly, because then it would mean that FF is wrong last month as well (I still say it was wrong by at least a day) and just who the heck knows what's up.

Really, I just need to STOP over-analyzing and wait for what will come. AF is due November 1st - if no AF on November 1st, we'll go ahead and test. Just in time for our campout for NASCAR weekend - yippee! That one test is the difference between drinking it up with my buddies or chilling out and being happy and mellow with just my hubby and our two friends who are attending with us. We'll see, I guess!

I'm off to over-analyze some more and - perhaps - get some dang work done!

Have a great weekend, ya'll!



Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Two Week Wait

It's that fun time of month...the two week wait. My temps did not coincide with my EWCM, and so FF has pinpointed my ovulation date as CD 17 - also known as Sunday, the 21st. I'm going to agree with it this month instead of resetting it to CD 16 as I did last month. Because the CM and the BBT did not agree, I have no idea, at all, if we hit it right on this month or not...I'm just totally clueless. Hopeful, but clueless.

AF is due November 1st-ish. I am absolutely committed this month to not testing early. That's just an exercise in futility. No symptoms yet...last month, I had stomach issues and soreness throughout almost all of the TWW...we'll see what this month brings.

I had a work trip yesterday to DCA and back (7 hours of plane travel for an hour long meeting!) and was flipping through SkyMall on the way back for awhile. I actually let myself look at baby items! I saw this nifty neato car/airplane baby seat that transforms itself into a stroller. No, it doesn't hook into a base like some really is an all in one. I circled it to show to FD, and he loved it too. Then I found a video monitoring system...the next step up from audio monitoring. By remote control, you can change the scope of the video to monitor your child's every move - it moves 360 degrees! Circled that, too. I know that I'm way jumping the gun - being pregnant first and then surviving the first few weeks without another MC would be key before buying baby stuff! - but this is the first time I've even allowed myself to look since March, so I think it's a big step.

In other news, I took the FF feed off my seemed pointless. Didn't display anything other than my cycle day and random factoids. Why bother? I'm going to replace it with a direct link to my FF site.

Hope all is well with everyone!!



Wednesday, October 17, 2007

An Early O?

Ok, so my excitement from last month over charting hasn't waned...but...coming off the tails of a NASTY stomach virus/bug, I was loaded down with EWCM yesterday - 3 CDs earlier than last month. WTH?! Now, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so we capitalized on the opportunity last evening, but a bit puzzling nonetheless.

On other things, I'm finding myself feeling calmer this month. I don't have the "HAVE TO HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW" fire I had then. Not that I've flopped to the other direction - hardly - I'm just not as crazed as I was last month. Which is very nice! We've finished a ton of projects recently in the house and are gearing up for a ton more in the spring...and all of them will be beneficial once our family expands, which is nice. I actually found myself with the thought the other day that it might not be bad to have a baby later in 2008 than earlier so even more projects can get done...but then my other side came along and said "SHUT UP - BRING ON A BABY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Hahaha! :-)

We'll just have to see, I guess! I'm just glad to be calmer and, on the whole, happier.

Three weeks today until MIL gets here for the winter - we're still trying to envision what all will change with her arrival, but we're hopeful that we'll be able to establish comfortable schedules and patterns to make everyone happy. She'll be here for (not that I'm counting) 20 weeks - that seems so long, but yet we all know that it moves so fast, doesn't it, ladies? If this were to be our month, I'd be at 25 weeks when she left...15 to go. Isn't that an odd thought to have? We'll just have to see...that's just all there is to it...and that's just what I keep trying to convince myself!

Alrighty, I'm off and back to work! Hope all is well! Thanks for coming back to read me! :-)



Friday, October 12, 2007

No Birthday Positive...On to October!

Hi, ya'll!

Yes, this post is overdue - so sorry! We spent all of last weekend, including Monday, working on home improvement projects around the house, getting it ready in time for my mother-in-law to arrive for her five-month winter stay.

AF was due, and arrived with an almost horrific vengeance, on Friday, the 5th. first month of charting and reeeeeallllly trying came up empty, but I've decided that I'm actually ok with that.

First, I really feel like I've gotten to know my own body better, and that will only help me in the future. This charting thing takes a bit of work, but now that I feel like I better understand it, I can more use it to my advantage. If any of you don't already chart, definitely head over to - it's awesome. And I will definitely be taking Kathy's suggestion to take the free charting e-course to learn even more.

Second, I really feel like FD and I have gotten our act together and gotten on the same page. Our relationship is still fabulous, but it's now even more so because we got that long talk in September about what we really want from/for our family out of the way and can now head into the future.

Third, thinking about a June baby arrival, I almost panicked. Why? I'd REALLY love to get a planned addition added to my house, perhaps beginning construction part way through next spring after my MIL leaves and our other assorted guests depart after Easter. And I'd REALLY love to have it completed before Future Baby (FB) gets here. Which might not be by June.

Fourth, I just took a really deep breath and a chill pill in the form of Smirnoff Ice. We'll get through this. We'll have a baby - someday. If we have (continued) problems, we'll find solutions. If it doesn't happen in '08, it'll happen in '09 or '10 or WHENEVER. My goal of two kids by 30 may not be a realistic one at this point, but I've started down the path of convincing myself that I'm not a failure if it doesn't happen. And hey...I still have three years left - it's possible. Who knows?!

Anyhow, thanks, ladies, for continuing to read my rambles and for providing such great support over at TTCAM. I love you all!



Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Drop on Sunday, only a gradual rise to Monday, sharp rise to Tuesday, sustained high on Wednesday...

I think I found my O!


So if it was on Sunday, like I think (and some wonderful ladies from TTCAM checked my chart and confer!) then we have have indeed hit the nail on the head, so to speak! Now I just have to hope a little swimmie from Sunday night made it though!! And that this is one of the 20% chance months that the little bugger survives and implants. This could make for an AWESOME birthday present...I'm just so dang hopeful.

I've cut back on caffeine to one soda a day - I simply refuse to cut back any further than that. I'm having milk at least once a day, getting all the protein I can, and drinking lots of water, both pure and "mixed" with lemonade and Kool Aid mixes since I need the sugar. Lots of veggies, too in the past few days. Oh, dang it, I'm just so hopeful!!

Just had to share...FF should give me a crosshairs tomorrow if I have another high temp day. Fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!



Sunday, September 23, 2007

Charting...But WTF?!

Hi, ya'll!

Over the past 6 months, since my MC in April, I've been paying FAR closer attention to my body than ever before. In the past 3 or so months, I've been monitoring (and self-analyzing!) CM on a daily basis. At the start of this cycle on September 8th, I also started monitoring CP and BBT. But what the heck does my silly chart show? According to the website I use, I haven't O'd yet, but with the progression of CM and CP, I really feel like I have.

If any of ya'll are chart stalkers, please take a hop over to my site on FF and let me know what you think. Myself, I just don't know what to think. I would like to think that I'm actively in the 2WW this month, but who knows?!?!?

My Chart

Since FF has RSS feed capabilities, I'm going to go ahead and add that to the right side - up-to-date stats are always good to share!

Sometimes, the most frustrating part is just waiting!



Thursday, September 20, 2007

Yearly Check-Up Went Well!

I had my yearly with the OB/GYN today and it went well! She asked if we'd decided to TTC again after the MC in April and I told her we definitely had - and had just really gotten serious about it this month. She gave me this booklet on conceiving and having children and it just cracked me up - it was like the beginners guide to sex and fertility. She said that all looked well and the only thing she wanted to check was if my rubella immunity was still up to date, so she drew blood for that. Otherwise, in her words, "full speed ahead and call us as soon as you get a HPT+!"

Just had to share! :-)



Sunday, September 16, 2007

Renewed Resolve

Sometimes, it just takes a simple conversation.

FD has been making comments recently that truly had me worried. To back up a bit, I'll start by explaining that I over-analyze EVERYTHING to death, and recently, with my body out of whack for various medical issues, I'm hyper-anxious on top of over-analytical - not a good combination.

While the kiddos were here, FD made remarks several times that included phrases like "that's why we only have cats and dogs" and "cats...dogs...that's enough". It sounded like he was joking, but really made me think. More recently, he's been taking guesses over who in the family will have the next baby (one of his cousin's delivered on Wednesday and another cousin's wife is due in November) but all of his guesses excluded us. Literally went through everyone else of childbearing age...except us. That hypothetical conversation made me go to sleep crying on Tuesday night...something I hid, of course, because I can't stand for anyone - even FD - to see me cry.

The last straw was at dinner on Wednesday night, after visiting his cousin and her new baby in the hospital. There, he made a remark over having serious doubts over bringing a child into this world (he sounded serious) and our crazy family (he was joking). I didn't speak more than about 5 additional words at the table and was silent on the way home. While he cleaned the kitchen at home, I crawled straight into bed. He arrived a few minutes later and knew I was upset...just didn't know about what.

So with a deep breath...I straight out asked if his desire to have children had changed in the months since our MC in April. In the past few years, I've become completely non-confrontational, so it was a very hard conversation for me to begin. But it went very well and we said a lot of things that needed to be said!

FD told me that the main reason for some of his comments was his fear that ultimately we would not be able to have a child of our own. He said that the joking helped him to keep a distance and not build hope towards something that might not happen. I agreed that I had some fear over that, as well, but reminded him that there were all sorts of options we could explore, when and if necessary. As the conversation progressed, it got pretty emotional at times, but the conclusion we came to at the end was that, more than ever, we wanted to start a family. We have good jobs, a lovely home, and although we aren't wealthy, we do ok. So this is it, more "not trying and not trying not to try"...we're actually going to start proactively giving it our all, so to speak. I'm charting a little bit of everything these days, so hopefully between that and a little bit of luck, we'll get on our way!

As I told FD, although I desperately want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, what I really just wanted is to see if (a) I can get pregnant again and (b) what complications, if any, there are. Since the OB/GYN (who I'm seeing on Thursday for my yearly) won't treat IF problems until there are 3 or 4 documented failures (remember, I only have 1 documented and 2 suspected), I don't want to wait around until nothing really can be done. Perhaps FD said it best when he noted that he didn't want to get to be 45 (still 13 years away) and realize we still didn't have the family we wanted.

On other news, I've been having some odd other health issues. I was feeling decent after restarting thyroid and BP meds in early August, but I'm back to feeling crappy again. Numb hands, legs and feet, shaky hands, can't sleep at night but then groggy all day, increased discharge from my eyes, clamminess, increased heart rate (despite meds) and just a general feeling of being unwell added to an enormous feeling of anxiety and nervousness. Have slept a total of 6 hours over the past 3 nights. Not good. Am going to see the Endo on Tuesday for my six week checkup and hope she can shed some light on what is up.

Will keep ya'll posted, dear readers.



Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm back!

Sorry for the long break, ya'll. After saying goodbye to the kiddos who were visiting, we threw ourselves back into the cycle of working before heading out of town for a few days over this Labor Day weekend.

Just wanted to share something I just picked up off one of my iVillage boards - TTC First Child. M shared that Mucinex may be as effective as Robitussin for thinning out CM and enhancing fertility. I never thought of that - but they have the same active ingredient.

So here's the funny part. I took Mucinex every day throughout November and December of '06 and January and the first half of February of '07. Why? Two bouts of pneumonia mixed in with a respiratory infection. When did I get pregnant? Mid-February '07. Coincidence?! If you discount my other two possible M/Cs, since they never progressed along far enough for me to feel pregnant, and instead focus on the one time was far enough along to know it and confirm it, it just seems like an awfully big coincidence, eh?

I'm going to reinvest in Mucinex and learn from the girls on my boards of how often they take - this month is the last big "push" for awhile, I suppose. If we don't have a BFP by mid October (I'm not even holding my breath for September - I know full and well that we blew the timing) then we'll stop trying until Spring, most likely. The advice listed (and that I found corroborated elsewhere online) is to take Mucinex, or any medicine with the same active ingredient (like Robitusin) once a day for the 7 days preceding ovulation. Now, my O's are hard to predict because I don't temp and my cycle length literally varies from month to month, so I figure I'm going to start taking on CD 1 and continue until CD 15 - that ought to hit the right time!

On other news, my OBGYN's office called to remind me to come in for my yearly, and I have an update with my Endo coming up as well. Yay and yay. Poking and prodding and bloodwork, oh, my. My thyroid/BP meds aren't working as well this time around...I can feel it. After a month, I'm still in jittery mode, which ought to have stopped by now. We'll see what happens. 50% of women with Graves have ongoing issues with fertility and M/C so I'm just trying to make sure I do everything right.

That's all from my end of the spectrum!



Thursday, August 23, 2007

More No Go's

Hi, everyone.

Well, I think we've effectively blown the last two cycles. The first of those, of course, I know for sure. The current cycle doesn't seem promising either...I think we completely messed up the timing. Dang it.

When you only get to share a bed with your hubby one or two nights out of seven, prospects aren't often good. People keep telling us (at 16 months of marriage) that we're still newlyweds...and newlyweds are supposed to...hmmm...a lot, right? Funny. I had a more active sex life when I was in high school! (Shhh! Don't tell Mom!) Eh...marriage is more than sex...or so I remind myself every time two or three weeks pass with...nothing.

Getting off that thought - you didn't really want to know those details, did you dear reader?

My MIL is coming at the beginning of November to spend the winter with us...doesn't leave until late March. I love the woman, but it's gonna be a long winter. Perhaps I should change the name of my blog to "How Not to Have a Baby"!

So anyways...I'm going to (try to) stop paying attention to this kind of stuff (or so I tell myself now) until next spring. I really and truly do not want a summer baby, and trying any later than now would likely result in one. Maybe just one more cycle and a June baby...but who knows.

What I hope for is that I'll be so busy with my new job at work and with the certifications I'll be working to finish before year's end and my MIL that I won't have time to think about babies of my own. Besides...with so many other NMs and their babies, I can always get my baby fix elsewhere. Right?

I guess we'll just have to see! I try to remain positive, but some days it's hard. I wasn't nearly so obsessed before the MC - then I just wondered "when". Now, I wonder "if".

Enough "poor me's"!



Friday, August 17, 2007

Parents...For a While

Hey, ya'll!

Sorry I haven't been around has been, in a word, crazy!

On July 31st, we became the temporary parents to two little ones. FD's niece and nephew came to visit for just over three weeks, and boy did we look forward to their arrival!

Now, by "little", I mean 14 and 12 - not exactly babies! And today, they were joined in our house by another little one, my 3-year-old goddaughter.

I can't tell you what good it did to my heart to see the three of them running around my house and acting like maniacs. I couldn't even be mad that they were bumping into everything - it was too nice enjoying having kiddos in my house.

The visits will end all too soon, but I'm enjoying them while they last!



Friday, August 3, 2007

New Babies and Babies to Come

Good morning!

I mentioned in a previous post that I'd thrown, helped throw or attended a total of 3 showers between February and July of this year, so getting back to happier topics, let's discuss those kiddos.

The first NM (New Mommy) gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy (I mentioned him in one previous blog) back in March - and what a cutie he is! I get to see him again this weekend at a barbeque, and I can't wait. I'm so proud that I got to be his first babysitter!

The second NM gave birth not quite a month a go to three healthy but tiny babies - two boys and a girl. Talk about indoctrination by fire! I think the babies are still in the hospital but will come home soon. Have you ever seen a woman pregnant with triplets and 7 months along? Ye Gods! I'm hoping for a chance to visit those kiddos come fall when they are bigger and more stable.

The third NMTB (New Mommy to be) is due in about a month, but has already dropped, so it looks like baby is imminent. This NM is FD's first cousin, and since the family hasn't had a new baby in 12 years, everyone is excited. On the heels of that, another NMTB in the family, the wife of another of FD's first cousins, is due in November. Too bad the NMTBs don't live closer together...they could have a play group!

Yay for babies - aren't they fun?



Monday, July 30, 2007

Some Unpopular Thoughts

Hi, there!

Long time, no write - sorry! My readers will have to realize that I do everything in phases. Life's been busy. So busy, in fact, that there's pretty much no chance of starting a family this month - I think we totally blew the window of opportunity. Maybe next month? That would give us a May baby - that wouldn't be bad. I'd have to say that I won't even want to try beyond that until springtime again - I'm not keen on being due in the summer - as much as I love heat, I suspect I'd hate heat AND being close to full-term at the same time.

In any case, the point of tonight's blog is not going to be a popular one. Just a warning! If you're single and a teenager and pregnant, or some variation thereof, you may want to stop here to avoid hard feelings. If you don't stop reading, I make no apologies.

Rant commencing...

When in the hell did it become acceptable for kids who cannot even support themselves to have kids of their own? This trend not only confuses me, it also makes me angrier than hell.

Now...let's look historically. Yes, in past centuries, women have had children at very young ages - 13, 15, 17 - kids. In those same past centuries, people rarely lived beyond their 40s. And women who gave birth outside of marriage were shunned. And their teenage husbands were already apprentices to a trade so they could support their families. In other words...not an apples to apples comparison.

Now...let's look psychologically. Everyone needs a support system in life. Physical support, emotional support, financial support...everyone needs some kind of helping hand from their support system. I cannot believe it has become acceptable, however, for people who are still being fully supported themselves by their own parents to even consider bringing children into this world. If you can't take care of yourself, what in the world would make you think you can take care of someone else?

Now...let's look at prevention. Birth control failures, in many cases, are due to user error. But ya know what? While some people just can't seem to get pregnant, nearly all people should know exactly how NOT to get pregnant. While these "oopses" grow up to be happy and healthy in some cases, that is not a constant. Which leads to my sub-rant: how could it be considered "ok" to expect "the system" to take care of yourself and your child? Do you honestly mean that my tax dollars are going to pay for the care provided to those who couldn't figure out how NOT to have kids? Surely, you jest.

It is so terribly frustrating to see young girls with no education, a lack of a profitable career, and no stable relationship running around having babies number 1, 2 and 3 (and beyond, in many cases!) while the rest of us break our backs working our asses off, paying taxes into a system that helps those who (in a majority of cases) choose not to help themselves, and putting real effort into making relationships work, only to find out that by some supreme joke that only God finds funny, we will have trouble having kids of our own. ARGH.

I don't freak out regularly or easily - my control freakish nature extends to my own attitude - but recently, I find it very hard to put on a cheerful face and maintain normal interactions when issues like this just will not get off my mind. And the fact that only a minority will even agree with my position on this means to me that society is truly screwed.

I really and truly mean no ill will towards anyone with this post...but the sliding scale of what is acceptable in society just depresses me at times.

And despite that, I say...



Tuesday, July 17, 2007


No go. :-(

Maybe next month!


Day 28

Well...nothing yet. Either way. Haven't tested and haven't gotten any visits. Based versus two of the last three cycles, this could be considered late. Based versus the "average" cycle, today is on time. Based versus one of my last three cycles, this could still be a day early. And for symptoms, no nothing!

Perhaps I'll stop on the way home and buy a test. I actually did that on impulse on Saturday (shh! Don't tell FD!) but it only said it was accurate 53% of the time that many days before being was negative, but that carries a 47% change of being wrong - still good enough odds to keep me hopeful. Since HPTs measure HCG and HCG can still be very low that many days before, there's a chance it just couldn't be measured.

Conjecture. Pure conjecture. Time will tell...if still nothing by day's end, perhaps I will stop on the way home. We'll see!!!!!



A bit of hope!

Hi, there!

Day 27 - the day 2 of my 3 post-MC cycles ended - is here. And no sign of an "end"...perhaps this is good news? Tomorrow is day 28...but last time we didn't test until day 36. Of course, last time, I just thought I was having a screwy cycle like I had in the past (the other suspected MCs) and didn't test until day 36 because that's the first day I really felt for sure like something was up.

So how do I feel right now? I don't really feel anything. I had an upset tummy part of the weekend, but that could have been related to the 40 mosquito bites I got or the food I ate. No PMS symptoms, but then again, I don't usually have many, if at all. No pregnancy symptoms either. Just life as...normal?

Just wanted to check in today, really, to say hi!



Sunday, July 15, 2007

Maybe this time?

Hi, ya'll!

Here's a continuation of my story...

After my miscarriage, our OB/GYN advised us to wait around three cycles before trying again, to allow my body to heal. Not a problem! Between trips and work schedules changing, and crazy work hours to begin with and so forth, three cycles have flown right on by. Cycle one concluded on April 27th; cycle two on May 25th; cycle three on June 20th. The days are shifting - 27-29-27 - but taking the average, cycle four should conclude on or about day 28 on Tuesday - July 17th. Continuing in our journey of not trying but not trying not to try, this cycle may or may not bring good news our way.

I'm afraid to hope. Really afraid to hope. We haven't done anything differently - I'd already quit smoking in February and I haven't had more than two drinks at a time in quite a long time...and will of course stop entirely when good news comes about. (In the meanwhile, I'll rely on medical findings that moderate alcohol intake in very early pregnancy is not considered a danger, and most women do not even know about a little one until a few weeks have passed.)

In the meantime, I've attended (or helped to throw) 3 baby showers since February - yeesh! Talk about feeling like I'm on baby overload! It's hard to wrap my mind around the thought of other people's babies, as well, since only a very small handful ever knew out our experience. One of FD's cousins out West is pregnant (after her own health issues) and due the day before we would have been in November. That really plays with my mind. I try not to dwell...but...

That's enough for today! More later!



Journey to Baby, Part 2

Rolling along...

My spotting had completely stopped by Wednesday evening, and Thursday and Friday were spot-free. That was the only good news.

My Friday appointment was awful. I left FD at home - didn't need him there needlessly worrying, as he is wont to do. They reported that my levels from Wednesday were awful - my progesterone level far too low to indicate a sustainable pregnancy and my HCG level far lower than it ought to have been for the length of the pregnancy.

Upon examination, my cervix was still closed. Doc advised me that a miscarriage was imminent. We decided there was no need for me to return on Monday but instead to return for my originally scheduled appointment the following Wednesday.

I got to my car, called into work that I wasn't going to be coming in, and started home. In my daze. I failed to realize that my gas gauge was on empty, and ran out of gas halfway home. FD didn't realize I was coming home - I was supposed to go to the appointment and then to work - but I wanted to head home to tell him what was up in person. Instead, he had to come rescue me on the side of the highway.

By the time I got home, finally, I just couldn't stop crying. FD felt awful as well, and even commented that he never should have talked about waiting to tell people in case something happened - he felt like he'd jinxed us. We had to limit our feelings, however, as an out-of-town friend was due in late that afternoon, so we had to put a good face on to entertain.

What a hard weekend that was - pretending everything ok when nothing was. Of course, we now had to tell the family what was up, and we let our friend in on it as well so he wouldn't wonder what was going on.

Friend left late Sunday afternoon and FD left for work later that evening and that's when it all ended. I began bleeding profusely and with a whoosh, my pregnancy was over. I stayed up all night - until FD got home at 4:30 - crying my heart out. I took another pregnancy test. It was negative.

My "natural" miscarriage officially occured on April 1st. Not a very good joke.

I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and reported what had happened. Went to work as usual Monday and Tuesday, but my heart wasn't in anything I did. At my appointment on Wednesday, the nurse confirmed that my Friday bloodwork showed a drop both in HCG and progesterone levels - to be expected with a failing pregnancy. They took more blood work, telling me they had to keep testing until my HCG was under 5, to indicate that my body no longer thought I was pregnant.

I then had a long visit with Doc, going over my documented cycles from the prior year. Based on what I'd noted, as well as scar tissued she'd observed through US, she said that she suspected I'd had very early miscarriages in both July and December of 2006 - even earlier than the pregnancy that ended on April 1st at 6w2d. I was almost more upset by this than by what had just happened - how could I have been pregnant and had a miscarriage and never known anything? In those two months, I'd noted that several days before my period had been due, I'd spotted for a day or two...then nothing for almost a week...then heavy bleeding for a week. I just thought my cycles were out of whack!

Doc told me that since she could only confirm one MC, I wouldn't be able to look at any kind of fertility treatments. Although two additional instances were suspected, I'd have to have 3-4 confirmed miscarriages to be eligible. What?! You mean that to get any kind of help, I'd have to do this 2 or 3 more times? ACK!

So that was it...I was sad, depressed, angry...all sorts of screwed up in my head all at once. We were soon buying a house and taking three trips, and had to focus on that, which helped, but 3.5 months after everything happened, I still think about it every day.

But more on that later... I've written enough for today!



Friday, July 13, 2007

Journey to Baby

Hi, ya'll!

As a follow-up to my introductory piece here on Blogger, here's the basics of my reason for being here...

I found out on March 24th that I was pregnant. I kind of suspected I was even before taking a HPT, simply because of how I'd been feeling for almost two weeks. FD (Future Daddy) was gone for most of that time on a work trip and my periods were not always normal or predictable, so even though I was 9 days late at that point, I wasn't really thinking about it.

After the first test, we were both a little stunned. As we like to tell everyone who asks when we are going to have kids, "we aren't trying, but we aren't not trying." We took a second test almost immediately: still positive.

The next day, we visited family for dinner, as we often do on Sundays, and although I wanted to share our good news, FD refused. I was pretty upset about that, and went to bed crying that night - the first time that had happened in quite a long time, and never before because of FD. He had the sense to realize that I was upset and pried out of me what was wrong. I explained that I felt like he was trying to hide something that should be happy. We were married, in a fairly good financial position, loved and wanted children...why should this be something to hide? He explained that he was worried if we told people too soon, something would go wrong. I told him that to have such a thought was horrible, turned my back, and went to sleep as he left for his off-duty job.

The next day, I called the doctor first thing in the morning and made my first appointment. Because of a variety of prior and on-going medical problems, I knew Doc would consider me to be "high risk", so I wanted to get in to see her right away. They booked me an appointment for the following Wednesday, April 4th.

FD called at lunchtime and told me he'd arranged to have his family meet us for dinner at a favorite restaurant so we could share our news and apologized for making me believe that he didn't want to share our good news. We went through with dinner and it went well.

Tuesday was an odd day that week - strange cravings and and a persistent headache coupled with nausea. It passed slowly. I told my coworkers during our weekly staff meeting that a baby was on the way - everyone was excited. Late in the afternoon, I started spotting lightly. The doctor's office was already closed when I called to report this, and the answering service advised me to call back in the morning.

On Wednesday, I called the doctor first thing and got an appointment for that afternoon. Leaving work, I went to my appointment, and it went fairly well. They did a pregnancy test in office and it came back positive. They drew blood to send off to test my HCG and progesterone levels. Doc gave me a full check-up and ended with an US on the brand-new US machine. The US showed a blip that was the very tiny 5w6d baby.

Of course, I expressed my concern over the spotting. Doc reported that my cervix was closed - a sign that I was not having a miscarriage at that time - and told me that some spotting early on could be very normal. Nonetheless, she scheduled me to come back on Friday to re-do HCG and progesterone level tests.

I left feeling far more upbeat than when I'd arrived. Thursday passed uneventfully, healthwise. After an all-day work event, I got to visit NM (New Mommy) in the hospital, where she had just given birth to her first-born the day before. The irony of the timing didn't then and still doesn't escape me. I went home and took a pregnancy test. Still positive.

To be continued...



Thursday, July 12, 2007

How to Have a Baby

Hi, ya'll!

I decided to start a blog on having a baby after reading the blog someone from iVillage created based on her own experience. I already blog and write on a variety of topics online, but until now, my thoughts on pregnancy and having a baby have been too personal to share on the World Wide Web. Even now, I'm doing so under the (quasi) cover of anonymity...

Why did I name my blog "How to Have a Baby"? Excellent question. I chose this name (1) because it was available on Blogger (and so few creative names are...) and (2) because this is the question that is currently plaguing my life and my mind. I have a (slightly) obsessive-compulsive nature to begin with, and my current obsession is having a child.

More later on my own story - I don't want to bore everyone all at once - but for now, I'm welcoming myself to the world of Blogger and heaving a sigh of relief that I've found a venue to put all of my thoughts into writing on the elusive creature called baby.


~FM~ (Future Mommy)