Sunday, July 15, 2007

Journey to Baby, Part 2

Rolling along...

My spotting had completely stopped by Wednesday evening, and Thursday and Friday were spot-free. That was the only good news.

My Friday appointment was awful. I left FD at home - didn't need him there needlessly worrying, as he is wont to do. They reported that my levels from Wednesday were awful - my progesterone level far too low to indicate a sustainable pregnancy and my HCG level far lower than it ought to have been for the length of the pregnancy.

Upon examination, my cervix was still closed. Doc advised me that a miscarriage was imminent. We decided there was no need for me to return on Monday but instead to return for my originally scheduled appointment the following Wednesday.

I got to my car, called into work that I wasn't going to be coming in, and started home. In my daze. I failed to realize that my gas gauge was on empty, and ran out of gas halfway home. FD didn't realize I was coming home - I was supposed to go to the appointment and then to work - but I wanted to head home to tell him what was up in person. Instead, he had to come rescue me on the side of the highway.

By the time I got home, finally, I just couldn't stop crying. FD felt awful as well, and even commented that he never should have talked about waiting to tell people in case something happened - he felt like he'd jinxed us. We had to limit our feelings, however, as an out-of-town friend was due in late that afternoon, so we had to put a good face on to entertain.

What a hard weekend that was - pretending everything ok when nothing was. Of course, we now had to tell the family what was up, and we let our friend in on it as well so he wouldn't wonder what was going on.

Friend left late Sunday afternoon and FD left for work later that evening and that's when it all ended. I began bleeding profusely and with a whoosh, my pregnancy was over. I stayed up all night - until FD got home at 4:30 - crying my heart out. I took another pregnancy test. It was negative.

My "natural" miscarriage officially occured on April 1st. Not a very good joke.

I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and reported what had happened. Went to work as usual Monday and Tuesday, but my heart wasn't in anything I did. At my appointment on Wednesday, the nurse confirmed that my Friday bloodwork showed a drop both in HCG and progesterone levels - to be expected with a failing pregnancy. They took more blood work, telling me they had to keep testing until my HCG was under 5, to indicate that my body no longer thought I was pregnant.

I then had a long visit with Doc, going over my documented cycles from the prior year. Based on what I'd noted, as well as scar tissued she'd observed through US, she said that she suspected I'd had very early miscarriages in both July and December of 2006 - even earlier than the pregnancy that ended on April 1st at 6w2d. I was almost more upset by this than by what had just happened - how could I have been pregnant and had a miscarriage and never known anything? In those two months, I'd noted that several days before my period had been due, I'd spotted for a day or two...then nothing for almost a week...then heavy bleeding for a week. I just thought my cycles were out of whack!

Doc told me that since she could only confirm one MC, I wouldn't be able to look at any kind of fertility treatments. Although two additional instances were suspected, I'd have to have 3-4 confirmed miscarriages to be eligible. What?! You mean that to get any kind of help, I'd have to do this 2 or 3 more times? ACK!

So that was it...I was sad, depressed, angry...all sorts of screwed up in my head all at once. We were soon buying a house and taking three trips, and had to focus on that, which helped, but 3.5 months after everything happened, I still think about it every day.

But more on that later... I've written enough for today!



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