Monday, July 30, 2007

Some Unpopular Thoughts

Hi, there!

Long time, no write - sorry! My readers will have to realize that I do everything in phases. Life's been busy. So busy, in fact, that there's pretty much no chance of starting a family this month - I think we totally blew the window of opportunity. Maybe next month? That would give us a May baby - that wouldn't be bad. I'd have to say that I won't even want to try beyond that until springtime again - I'm not keen on being due in the summer - as much as I love heat, I suspect I'd hate heat AND being close to full-term at the same time.

In any case, the point of tonight's blog is not going to be a popular one. Just a warning! If you're single and a teenager and pregnant, or some variation thereof, you may want to stop here to avoid hard feelings. If you don't stop reading, I make no apologies.

Rant commencing...

When in the hell did it become acceptable for kids who cannot even support themselves to have kids of their own? This trend not only confuses me, it also makes me angrier than hell.

Now...let's look historically. Yes, in past centuries, women have had children at very young ages - 13, 15, 17 - kids. In those same past centuries, people rarely lived beyond their 40s. And women who gave birth outside of marriage were shunned. And their teenage husbands were already apprentices to a trade so they could support their families. In other words...not an apples to apples comparison.

Now...let's look psychologically. Everyone needs a support system in life. Physical support, emotional support, financial support...everyone needs some kind of helping hand from their support system. I cannot believe it has become acceptable, however, for people who are still being fully supported themselves by their own parents to even consider bringing children into this world. If you can't take care of yourself, what in the world would make you think you can take care of someone else?

Now...let's look at prevention. Birth control failures, in many cases, are due to user error. But ya know what? While some people just can't seem to get pregnant, nearly all people should know exactly how NOT to get pregnant. While these "oopses" grow up to be happy and healthy in some cases, that is not a constant. Which leads to my sub-rant: how could it be considered "ok" to expect "the system" to take care of yourself and your child? Do you honestly mean that my tax dollars are going to pay for the care provided to those who couldn't figure out how NOT to have kids? Surely, you jest.

It is so terribly frustrating to see young girls with no education, a lack of a profitable career, and no stable relationship running around having babies number 1, 2 and 3 (and beyond, in many cases!) while the rest of us break our backs working our asses off, paying taxes into a system that helps those who (in a majority of cases) choose not to help themselves, and putting real effort into making relationships work, only to find out that by some supreme joke that only God finds funny, we will have trouble having kids of our own. ARGH.

I don't freak out regularly or easily - my control freakish nature extends to my own attitude - but recently, I find it very hard to put on a cheerful face and maintain normal interactions when issues like this just will not get off my mind. And the fact that only a minority will even agree with my position on this means to me that society is truly screwed.

I really and truly mean no ill will towards anyone with this post...but the sliding scale of what is acceptable in society just depresses me at times.

And despite that, I say...



Tuesday, July 17, 2007


No go. :-(

Maybe next month!


Day 28

Well...nothing yet. Either way. Haven't tested and haven't gotten any visits. Based versus two of the last three cycles, this could be considered late. Based versus the "average" cycle, today is on time. Based versus one of my last three cycles, this could still be a day early. And for symptoms, no nothing!

Perhaps I'll stop on the way home and buy a test. I actually did that on impulse on Saturday (shh! Don't tell FD!) but it only said it was accurate 53% of the time that many days before being was negative, but that carries a 47% change of being wrong - still good enough odds to keep me hopeful. Since HPTs measure HCG and HCG can still be very low that many days before, there's a chance it just couldn't be measured.

Conjecture. Pure conjecture. Time will tell...if still nothing by day's end, perhaps I will stop on the way home. We'll see!!!!!



A bit of hope!

Hi, there!

Day 27 - the day 2 of my 3 post-MC cycles ended - is here. And no sign of an "end"...perhaps this is good news? Tomorrow is day 28...but last time we didn't test until day 36. Of course, last time, I just thought I was having a screwy cycle like I had in the past (the other suspected MCs) and didn't test until day 36 because that's the first day I really felt for sure like something was up.

So how do I feel right now? I don't really feel anything. I had an upset tummy part of the weekend, but that could have been related to the 40 mosquito bites I got or the food I ate. No PMS symptoms, but then again, I don't usually have many, if at all. No pregnancy symptoms either. Just life as...normal?

Just wanted to check in today, really, to say hi!



Sunday, July 15, 2007

Maybe this time?

Hi, ya'll!

Here's a continuation of my story...

After my miscarriage, our OB/GYN advised us to wait around three cycles before trying again, to allow my body to heal. Not a problem! Between trips and work schedules changing, and crazy work hours to begin with and so forth, three cycles have flown right on by. Cycle one concluded on April 27th; cycle two on May 25th; cycle three on June 20th. The days are shifting - 27-29-27 - but taking the average, cycle four should conclude on or about day 28 on Tuesday - July 17th. Continuing in our journey of not trying but not trying not to try, this cycle may or may not bring good news our way.

I'm afraid to hope. Really afraid to hope. We haven't done anything differently - I'd already quit smoking in February and I haven't had more than two drinks at a time in quite a long time...and will of course stop entirely when good news comes about. (In the meanwhile, I'll rely on medical findings that moderate alcohol intake in very early pregnancy is not considered a danger, and most women do not even know about a little one until a few weeks have passed.)

In the meantime, I've attended (or helped to throw) 3 baby showers since February - yeesh! Talk about feeling like I'm on baby overload! It's hard to wrap my mind around the thought of other people's babies, as well, since only a very small handful ever knew out our experience. One of FD's cousins out West is pregnant (after her own health issues) and due the day before we would have been in November. That really plays with my mind. I try not to dwell...but...

That's enough for today! More later!



Journey to Baby, Part 2

Rolling along...

My spotting had completely stopped by Wednesday evening, and Thursday and Friday were spot-free. That was the only good news.

My Friday appointment was awful. I left FD at home - didn't need him there needlessly worrying, as he is wont to do. They reported that my levels from Wednesday were awful - my progesterone level far too low to indicate a sustainable pregnancy and my HCG level far lower than it ought to have been for the length of the pregnancy.

Upon examination, my cervix was still closed. Doc advised me that a miscarriage was imminent. We decided there was no need for me to return on Monday but instead to return for my originally scheduled appointment the following Wednesday.

I got to my car, called into work that I wasn't going to be coming in, and started home. In my daze. I failed to realize that my gas gauge was on empty, and ran out of gas halfway home. FD didn't realize I was coming home - I was supposed to go to the appointment and then to work - but I wanted to head home to tell him what was up in person. Instead, he had to come rescue me on the side of the highway.

By the time I got home, finally, I just couldn't stop crying. FD felt awful as well, and even commented that he never should have talked about waiting to tell people in case something happened - he felt like he'd jinxed us. We had to limit our feelings, however, as an out-of-town friend was due in late that afternoon, so we had to put a good face on to entertain.

What a hard weekend that was - pretending everything ok when nothing was. Of course, we now had to tell the family what was up, and we let our friend in on it as well so he wouldn't wonder what was going on.

Friend left late Sunday afternoon and FD left for work later that evening and that's when it all ended. I began bleeding profusely and with a whoosh, my pregnancy was over. I stayed up all night - until FD got home at 4:30 - crying my heart out. I took another pregnancy test. It was negative.

My "natural" miscarriage officially occured on April 1st. Not a very good joke.

I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and reported what had happened. Went to work as usual Monday and Tuesday, but my heart wasn't in anything I did. At my appointment on Wednesday, the nurse confirmed that my Friday bloodwork showed a drop both in HCG and progesterone levels - to be expected with a failing pregnancy. They took more blood work, telling me they had to keep testing until my HCG was under 5, to indicate that my body no longer thought I was pregnant.

I then had a long visit with Doc, going over my documented cycles from the prior year. Based on what I'd noted, as well as scar tissued she'd observed through US, she said that she suspected I'd had very early miscarriages in both July and December of 2006 - even earlier than the pregnancy that ended on April 1st at 6w2d. I was almost more upset by this than by what had just happened - how could I have been pregnant and had a miscarriage and never known anything? In those two months, I'd noted that several days before my period had been due, I'd spotted for a day or two...then nothing for almost a week...then heavy bleeding for a week. I just thought my cycles were out of whack!

Doc told me that since she could only confirm one MC, I wouldn't be able to look at any kind of fertility treatments. Although two additional instances were suspected, I'd have to have 3-4 confirmed miscarriages to be eligible. What?! You mean that to get any kind of help, I'd have to do this 2 or 3 more times? ACK!

So that was it...I was sad, depressed, angry...all sorts of screwed up in my head all at once. We were soon buying a house and taking three trips, and had to focus on that, which helped, but 3.5 months after everything happened, I still think about it every day.

But more on that later... I've written enough for today!



Friday, July 13, 2007

Journey to Baby

Hi, ya'll!

As a follow-up to my introductory piece here on Blogger, here's the basics of my reason for being here...

I found out on March 24th that I was pregnant. I kind of suspected I was even before taking a HPT, simply because of how I'd been feeling for almost two weeks. FD (Future Daddy) was gone for most of that time on a work trip and my periods were not always normal or predictable, so even though I was 9 days late at that point, I wasn't really thinking about it.

After the first test, we were both a little stunned. As we like to tell everyone who asks when we are going to have kids, "we aren't trying, but we aren't not trying." We took a second test almost immediately: still positive.

The next day, we visited family for dinner, as we often do on Sundays, and although I wanted to share our good news, FD refused. I was pretty upset about that, and went to bed crying that night - the first time that had happened in quite a long time, and never before because of FD. He had the sense to realize that I was upset and pried out of me what was wrong. I explained that I felt like he was trying to hide something that should be happy. We were married, in a fairly good financial position, loved and wanted children...why should this be something to hide? He explained that he was worried if we told people too soon, something would go wrong. I told him that to have such a thought was horrible, turned my back, and went to sleep as he left for his off-duty job.

The next day, I called the doctor first thing in the morning and made my first appointment. Because of a variety of prior and on-going medical problems, I knew Doc would consider me to be "high risk", so I wanted to get in to see her right away. They booked me an appointment for the following Wednesday, April 4th.

FD called at lunchtime and told me he'd arranged to have his family meet us for dinner at a favorite restaurant so we could share our news and apologized for making me believe that he didn't want to share our good news. We went through with dinner and it went well.

Tuesday was an odd day that week - strange cravings and and a persistent headache coupled with nausea. It passed slowly. I told my coworkers during our weekly staff meeting that a baby was on the way - everyone was excited. Late in the afternoon, I started spotting lightly. The doctor's office was already closed when I called to report this, and the answering service advised me to call back in the morning.

On Wednesday, I called the doctor first thing and got an appointment for that afternoon. Leaving work, I went to my appointment, and it went fairly well. They did a pregnancy test in office and it came back positive. They drew blood to send off to test my HCG and progesterone levels. Doc gave me a full check-up and ended with an US on the brand-new US machine. The US showed a blip that was the very tiny 5w6d baby.

Of course, I expressed my concern over the spotting. Doc reported that my cervix was closed - a sign that I was not having a miscarriage at that time - and told me that some spotting early on could be very normal. Nonetheless, she scheduled me to come back on Friday to re-do HCG and progesterone level tests.

I left feeling far more upbeat than when I'd arrived. Thursday passed uneventfully, healthwise. After an all-day work event, I got to visit NM (New Mommy) in the hospital, where she had just given birth to her first-born the day before. The irony of the timing didn't then and still doesn't escape me. I went home and took a pregnancy test. Still positive.

To be continued...



Thursday, July 12, 2007

How to Have a Baby

Hi, ya'll!

I decided to start a blog on having a baby after reading the blog someone from iVillage created based on her own experience. I already blog and write on a variety of topics online, but until now, my thoughts on pregnancy and having a baby have been too personal to share on the World Wide Web. Even now, I'm doing so under the (quasi) cover of anonymity...

Why did I name my blog "How to Have a Baby"? Excellent question. I chose this name (1) because it was available on Blogger (and so few creative names are...) and (2) because this is the question that is currently plaguing my life and my mind. I have a (slightly) obsessive-compulsive nature to begin with, and my current obsession is having a child.

More later on my own story - I don't want to bore everyone all at once - but for now, I'm welcoming myself to the world of Blogger and heaving a sigh of relief that I've found a venue to put all of my thoughts into writing on the elusive creature called baby.


~FM~ (Future Mommy)