Sunday, September 16, 2007

Renewed Resolve

Sometimes, it just takes a simple conversation.

FD has been making comments recently that truly had me worried. To back up a bit, I'll start by explaining that I over-analyze EVERYTHING to death, and recently, with my body out of whack for various medical issues, I'm hyper-anxious on top of over-analytical - not a good combination.

While the kiddos were here, FD made remarks several times that included phrases like "that's why we only have cats and dogs" and "cats...dogs...that's enough". It sounded like he was joking, but really made me think. More recently, he's been taking guesses over who in the family will have the next baby (one of his cousin's delivered on Wednesday and another cousin's wife is due in November) but all of his guesses excluded us. Literally went through everyone else of childbearing age...except us. That hypothetical conversation made me go to sleep crying on Tuesday night...something I hid, of course, because I can't stand for anyone - even FD - to see me cry.

The last straw was at dinner on Wednesday night, after visiting his cousin and her new baby in the hospital. There, he made a remark over having serious doubts over bringing a child into this world (he sounded serious) and our crazy family (he was joking). I didn't speak more than about 5 additional words at the table and was silent on the way home. While he cleaned the kitchen at home, I crawled straight into bed. He arrived a few minutes later and knew I was upset...just didn't know about what.

So with a deep breath...I straight out asked if his desire to have children had changed in the months since our MC in April. In the past few years, I've become completely non-confrontational, so it was a very hard conversation for me to begin. But it went very well and we said a lot of things that needed to be said!

FD told me that the main reason for some of his comments was his fear that ultimately we would not be able to have a child of our own. He said that the joking helped him to keep a distance and not build hope towards something that might not happen. I agreed that I had some fear over that, as well, but reminded him that there were all sorts of options we could explore, when and if necessary. As the conversation progressed, it got pretty emotional at times, but the conclusion we came to at the end was that, more than ever, we wanted to start a family. We have good jobs, a lovely home, and although we aren't wealthy, we do ok. So this is it, more "not trying and not trying not to try"...we're actually going to start proactively giving it our all, so to speak. I'm charting a little bit of everything these days, so hopefully between that and a little bit of luck, we'll get on our way!

As I told FD, although I desperately want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, what I really just wanted is to see if (a) I can get pregnant again and (b) what complications, if any, there are. Since the OB/GYN (who I'm seeing on Thursday for my yearly) won't treat IF problems until there are 3 or 4 documented failures (remember, I only have 1 documented and 2 suspected), I don't want to wait around until nothing really can be done. Perhaps FD said it best when he noted that he didn't want to get to be 45 (still 13 years away) and realize we still didn't have the family we wanted.

On other news, I've been having some odd other health issues. I was feeling decent after restarting thyroid and BP meds in early August, but I'm back to feeling crappy again. Numb hands, legs and feet, shaky hands, can't sleep at night but then groggy all day, increased discharge from my eyes, clamminess, increased heart rate (despite meds) and just a general feeling of being unwell added to an enormous feeling of anxiety and nervousness. Have slept a total of 6 hours over the past 3 nights. Not good. Am going to see the Endo on Tuesday for my six week checkup and hope she can shed some light on what is up.

Will keep ya'll posted, dear readers.



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