Friday, November 16, 2007

Sanity: Gone (whine/rant)

I said a few posts ago that the goal I had for myself in November was to keep my sanity. Goal definitely not accomplished. This week just went to hell in a hand basket quicker than I could blink.

Now, before I start whining or ranting, I'll tell you that FM and FD are ok...nothing absolutely catastrophic happened, but enough crap went wrong that my head just feels like it's going to explode.

Where to begin?

On Monday, FD was diagnosed with high cholesterol and put on medicine. No real biggie...he takes the meds, it gets controlled, life goes on.

On Tuesday, FM went to the eye doctor for the first time in, oh, let's say, a long time. The good news is that her vision actually improved by just a tad - one step in each eye. Still bad vision, but just a little bit better. The bad news is that the doctor found a cataract busily forming in my left eye. I ask you!!! A cataract at age 27?! Not the end of the world and nothing can be done until it "ripens", but jeez!

On Wednesday, FM's Dad fell and broke his hip. ARGH. Mind you, I was supposed to get on a plane Thursday night to go up and bring him back to my house for the winter. He had surgery on Thursday - plate and screws - and they'll start rehab next week sometime. Good news: not an awful break. Bad news: therapy will take longer than normal because of his Alzheimer's - he won't remember a lot from one time to the next so there will be lots of starting over. The somewhat good news: his doctor will agree to him coming to Texas after he finishes in-patient rehab - which should conclude around the end of the holidays. The somewhat bad news: bringing him to Texas with an even more frail body and having to supervise in-home therapy in my house - ye Gods, that's going to be interesting to say the least.

Thursday, FD realized that the poison ivy he'd picked up while we were gardening last Sunday had started spreading. Want to know where it spread? TMI ALERT! It spread to his you-know-what! Are you kidding me? I find this out on the same day I start oozing EWCM. He went to the Doc and got a shot, but it probably won't finish clearing up until after the weekend. Ironically, I'm allergic to nearly everything that grows EXCEPT poison ivy, but I ain't touching his you-know-what with a ten foot pole until that mess is gone! Which, of course, means that November is a wasted freaking month. I should be O'ing on like Saturday or Sunday. I could scream. I could absolutely scream. Nine freaking cycles and nothing.

Today, I'm just ready to come unglued.

First thing that upset me today: FD called mid-afternoon to say hi, as he normally does when he wakes up. (Don't think him lazy - he sleeps so late because as a cop, he works overnights.) He wasn't at the house however...he was on his way to work. And just then he decides to tell me that he's going in way early tomorrow as well to work a college football game at SMU. Ok. First of all, when the plan still included Dad coming back with me on Saturday, FD was supposed to pick us up from the airport and help me get Dad settled in at home. Next, once my trip got called off (no reason for me to go up - I can't do any more up there than I can from here, and it saves Mom and I fighting), Saturday was supposed to be a time that we could spend together - just the two of us - for the first time since my MIL got here 10 days ago. (MIL went to spent a couple nights at her sister's house around a 1/2 hour from here, because she didn't want to be here alone with FD at work and me out of town and decided to keep her plans even when mine changed.) Now how in the blue hell, I ask you, could FD pick me up from the airport or spend time alone with me if he freaking had to work and knew about it all week????

I am NOT upset that he has to work. I understand that schedules change and work can be crazy. I AM upset, however, that he very blatantly did not communicate this change with me ahead of time. I am even more upset because I very much looked forward to having some time just with my husband. Is that so much to ask for?

Next, I just got off the phone with my all-too-cheerful mother. She's been freaking chipper since Dad broke his hip, because she still got what she wanted - someone else to take responsibility for him for awhile, even if it is the hospital. So she tells me that one of my first cousin's stopped by the hospital to visit Dad today. And somehow she gets on the topic of the fact that between having her second and third child, my cousin's wife had had a miscarriage. And she goes on to lament on how badly this affected the wife and how it derailed some of her plans and how they didn't think they'd be able to have another child and so on.

My mother is one of only a handful of people who knows that I've had a miscarriage. In response to her relating the story of my cousin's wife - not for the first time, either, since the MC was several years ago - I simply said "I understand". I was informed that I couldn't possibly understand and that since the wife had been getting older when she had her MC it was all the more devastating for it to happen. Mom is the same person whose reaction when I told her about my miscarriage was to tell me that I was too young to have children anyways and should just concentrate on other things in my life instead. How I really felt like responding, tonight, when told that I couldn't understand was to make a rude comment about how my cousin (who I really do adore) and his wife could barely afford the first two kids, let alone the third, and not to mention that the third was conceived not very long after her MC...but really, I couldn't bring myself to say something like that. I know that it's no less devastating to have a MC whether you have three kids or none, rich or poor, but dammit, don't tell me that I don't understand. Not when I've been through it myself, and certainly freaking not when I'm a week away from when my baby should be due and despite the fact that 7 months have passed since my MC and I'm in my 9th post-MC cycle, I can't seem to even freaking get pregnant now. WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND!?

And so, finally, that's really my issue, I guess. 1 week to go until the 23rd - my EDD. And no closer to having a child now than on April 1st when my pregnancy failed. My sanity is flipping shot after just a series of things going poorly and then this preying on it besides and I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out because I just don't see any change coming. I'm not hopeful. I just don't have it in me to allow myself to hope for anything. Everywhere I look around me, there are babies. Two will be attending my Thanksgiving dinner - one was born on the day that I learned that my pregnancy was failing; the other is the child of FD's cousin, who, along with her parents, were among some of the only other people that ever knew about my pregnancy and miscarriage. I now wish that I'd talked to some of my girlfriends about this back then, but I didn't...and now I feel like I can't.

I can't wait for this miserable month to just be over. I keep trying, really hard, to look at positive things in my life and think hopeful thoughts for the future, but then I just keep failing. Is it 2008 yet?

Thanks for reading through this drivel.




Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Wow, you've had QUITE a week! I'm glad you were able to blog it out, sister.

I hope by the time you read this, you're feeling much better.

If not, eat some chocolate, that should help some...

Jenn from TTCAM said...

I"m sorry, Tiffany. The EDD is one of the hardest times... I'm thinking of you!