5w5d - Exhausted!

Dear Bunny,

Hi, sweetie! I'm so sorry that I haven't written to you since Monday. There's something you probably need to learn about your Future Mommy: I think I should have been born twins, because I always am involved in enough things to keep two people busy! Anyhow, work is what's been keeping me busy this week, between attending two days of training on Tuesday and Wednesday and then delivering two days of training yesterday and today.

And you're not helping, Bunny! I have never felt so exhausted in my life as I've felt this week! Oh my goodness, little one! Do you think you could spare a bit of energy for me after you use enough to grow yourself?? :-) I was so tired driving home yesterday afternoon that I really struggled to even stay awake for the twelve miles between the office and home - how pathetic is that?

I'm so proud of you, though, Bunny! When I finally got my bloodwork results on Wednesday (your silly Future Mommy forgot that the office was closed on Tuesday!), I was definitely in a bit of shock! Of course, I was very relieved that I was negative for all diseases and positive for all immunities, but the numbers! Wow!

4w5d hCG: 5200
5w1d hCG: 12000

So tell me, Bunny...what's up? Should I have listened to FF and used the earlier O date? Even adjusting back by two or three days makes those numbers seem awfully high. And remember, you still showed up negative on 2/14, so you couldn't have implanted much earlier than the chart shows...

Or...are there two of you in there, Bunny? The numbers aren't tripling or quadrupling, but they are pretty high for my presumed dates...which could mean that our little hunches and signs are right on! Of course, your mommy worries that it might actually be a bad sign and indicate something like a molar pregnancy, but I'm going to try not to dwell on that and instead hope that the numbers are either a non-sign or a good sign!

Bunny, I'm very excited that I get to see you soon! They scheduled me to come in to have my first consultation with the OB nurse as well as my first ultrasound with the doctor on March 12th - so it's less than 2 weeks now until I can see you! You'll be around 7w3d then, and so hopefully we'll even hear a heartbeat! Of course, we'll also get to see how many of you there actually are in there and if you're more advanced than we think. I can't wait!

I'm going to need you to help me look out for any signs of gallbladder issues, though, Bunny. They tell me that my total bilirubin count is elevated, which could mean that there's trouble brewing. Unfortunately, the symptoms are very similar to morning sickness, so if you could do me a favor and get that a bit more under control for me so I can monitor for issues, I'd appreciate it!

Would you believe, Bunny, that I'm already getting a tummy? I can't believe it. Of course, I was so thin to begin with that any weight gain or shift at all is noticeable, but to see a bump in the mirror already is hilarious to me! Your Future Daddy loves kissing the bump, though...he thinks you're the coolest thing in the world, Bunny!

Ok, ok, I know, I know, I'm talking your ear off! I'll let you go for now, Bunny, but I'm thinking of you always!

Hugs,

~FM~

5w1d

Hi, Bunny!

Are you being a good little bunny? We've been thinking about you all weekend! I got some of your numbers back today - just the progesterone - and it was 22.9 - which is high enough at 4w5d to make me feel happy! No HcG yet - hopefully tomorrow I'll have both Friday's and Monday's numbers - fingers crossed!!

I've been teasing your daddy about you a bit...I keep asking him "what if it's TWINS?" You see, daddy's coworker just had triplets, and so this is a really opportune time to tease. And then...we had something REALLY weird happen this weekend, Bunny. Your daddy was cooking eggs for breakfast on Saturday (I didn't have any...it turned my stomach, so I just had bacon and rolls) and the first egg he cracked open had twin yolks! How bizarre - he's seen that before, but I never had. So...I came over to check it out. And we cracked the next egg open...TWIN YOLKS!

How funny! The other two that were cooked were just normal singletons. But it got us thinking - how funny of a sign would that be?? I told your daddy that if I got to my ultrasound in a couple weeks and there were two of you in there, I'd probably die of a heart attack while laughing my butt off. But seriously, Bunny...if you're actually Bunnies...we love you both and want you very, very much.

So whoever/whatever/however many of you are in there, keep doing what you're doing! Pending good blood work results, we'll probably get to peek at you in about two weeks - and we can't wait!!

Hugs,

~FM~

4w5d (Rinse, Repeat)

Dear Bunny,

Thanks for being a good little Bunny at the doctor's today! Looks like we get to set you back by a day, though...the doctor thinks 4w5d is more accurate to describe today than 4w6d. Of course, once we get to the ultrasound phase, it could change all over again! That's ok, though! promise! You just come on and join us in your own sweet time, and we won't quibble over a day or two!

I'm so glad the doctor was enthusiastic about your chances of becoming a full-grown bunny come this fall. Seeing her - normally so reserved - positively bubbling over you really did your Mommy's heart a lot of good. God willing that blood will back up her enthusiasm and we'll progress smoothly!

Sorry to tell ya, but we have to go back on Monday to do the needle-stickey thing all over again. Yeah, sucks, but gotta check on you! If that goes well, that'll be the last needle for awhile, promise!

After that, it looks like we'll go back to meet with the OB nurse the week after next, and then get to see you on an ultrasound the week after that. I can't wait! They tell me that we may even get to hear your heart beat then, sometime around 7 weeks. YAHOO!

Ok, Bunny. I'll leave you alone for now so you can have a peaceful weekend doing all sorts of bunny things. Love you!

Hugs,

~FM~

4w5d

Dear Bunny,

Ok, I get it with the breakfast burrito - I do, believe me. But pizza? Dude, you're killing me here. I just had pizza on Monday - you were semi-ok with it then! But did you have to let me get to the SIXTH slice before you protested? Haha, you mom's a pig sometimes. Especially with pizza!

By the way, have you gotten to meet all of the fantastic women who come around and read Future Mommy's blog? Aren't they awesome? I can safely say that I have the best virtual support group ever!

I had some pretty darn bizarre dreams last night - I wonder if you caused them? You weren't even in them, but they were REALLY weird. Trippy. And you know me...I'm not much of a dreamer!

I'm getting excited for tomorrow's appointment. You'd better be snuggled in tight and let the doctor get back good bloodwork numbers as a result!!! I have all of my crossables crossed that that's the case. Maybe I'll even get to see my first picture of you tomorrow - since she has an U/S right in her office! Last time, they checked on your angel-sibling only after I was having issues, and that was a week further advanced, but who knows what they'll do this time!

I'm going to stop and buy a notebook on the way home from work tonight to start keeping track of pregnancy things. I have about 1,000,000,000,000 questions to ask and to think about and to plan out, and I want to get myself organized!!

Love you, Bunny!

Hugs,

~FM~

4w4d

Dear Bunny,

So...you didn't really like my breakfast this morning, huh? Sorry 'bout that! I assumed that because your FM loves breakfast burritos from Sonic, you would too! Hey...at least I left the hot sauce off, right?

I was so happy to see your FD so happy last night. It did wonders for my heart. He just kept bouncing in bed...said he was imitating a bunny. Yeah, your daddy is a goof ball, but I love him, and you will too!

I'm trying not to worry about you, Bunny, but I can't help it. I hope you've burrowed in just as tight as you can. And I hope that the angels watching over you help to convince you to stay burrowed for just as long as possible.

Love you, Bunny!

Hugs,

~FM~

4w3d

Dear Bunny,

Hi, there. I'm your Future Mommy - and I just wanted to write you a little note to tell you how happy I am that you've nuzzled in and to give you orders to STAY nuzzled for the next 8 or 9 months. There's a few things that I want to tell you, that you really need to know:

• First, your Future Daddy and Future Mommy love you very, very much already, and we can't wait until you get here.
• Second, we're in charge, bucko! No screwing around on our watch! :-)
• Third, you already have a furbrother and three fursisters eagerly awaiting your arrival. Frankie, your furbrother, wants you to know that he cuddles well and he can't wait to have a new human to cuddle with. Naya, your oldest fursister, wants you to know that she's the perfect-sized dog to make best friends with a baby, and so she can't wait until you're here to love on. Audrey, your middle fursister, wants you to know that there's a method behind her madness - she's a little crazy sometimes because she likes protecting herself and anyone she cares about, and you're now on that list! Missy, your youngest fursister, wants to know how soon you can toss a ball for her to chase...please, please, please, please, please!

I guess I also need to tell you why I'm going to refer to you as Bunny for the next few months, until we can figure out if you're going to be a little girl baby or a little boy baby. Last night, your Future Daddy had a present waiting for your Future Mommy when she got home from work. It was a little stuffed bunny rabbit that FD named "Hope". The bunny is going to be our "Hope" until you come along, and then we'll give "Hope" to you...so for now, we have "Hope", the bunny, and have hope in you, our little bunny, that you'll grow well and form nicely and get all ready to visit us in time for Hallowe'en.

Your daddy is anxious to know if I'm going to start having funny tastes in food with you nestling in - your mom's a bit picky, so apparently that's the question of the day. I'm curious how bad you're going to hit me with morning sickness. I'm already nauseous for the second day in a row, but I have to say...I don't mind a bit. You just do what you need to do, Bunny, and it's all good by me.

Love you!

Hugs,

~FM~

You Should Sit Down

You're not seeing things! I tested this morning...instant crosshairs. Instant. Dark as can be!

Invited FD to lunch and told him. Needless to say, we're very excited!

And yes, I went ahead and changed my detection method from Advanced to Research. Moving O forward by 1 day just makes a lot more sense in the view of the overall chart. Of course, we'll see what the doc says when I go in on Friday!

Holding my breath!

Hugs,

~FM~

Dare I Hope?

Ok, it's after midnight, so I'm officially at CD 29, 15 or 17 DPO.

That's right...AF hasn't shown up yet!

After spotting a bit on Thursday and Friday, I've had a couple days of nothing.

No symptoms...but no AF either. No more spotting...but have I mentioned no symptoms?

Ok, so my BBs are now way sore. And I'm hungry a lot. But that happens EVERY MONTH. So I just can't let that get me hopeful.

Haven't re-tested. My longest cycles have been 28 days, and since we're only 20 minutes into day 29, I need to give it a bit of time yet. Usually, AF shows up by about noon, so if I can make it 12 hours without seeing her ugly face, I'll start thinking about testing tomorrow night or Tuesday morning.

If you can spare me a prayer or a pair of crossed fingers, I'd appreciate it. I gave up on this cycle on Thursday...but if there's a chance that it's still a viable cycle, I'll take it. For sure...I'll take anything I can get.

Hope the kid likes beer, though! After giving up on Thursday, I had a mixed drink with Valentine's dinner, a little bit of champagne in a mimosa this morning, and a beer while watching the Daytona 500 this afternoon. I have already decided, however, that I will not feel guilty about that. After all, if I wasn't actively TTC, I wouldn't even suspect anything yet...but until AF shows up shortly or a little one shows up in 9 or so months, no more beer/liquor for this chick!

Twelve hours. No biggie, right? AF, please, please, please, please take a pass on me this time. I promise, you old hag, I'll make it worth your while!

Hugs,

~FM~

Quit Playing Games

Dear AF,

I don't love you. I don't even like you. In fact, Aunt Flo, I'm sorry we're related. Ever since you started coming to visit me when I was in middle school, I've hated your guts. You're smelly and messy and have a complete lack of timing and finesse.

But all that...I could tolerate. It's this stupid game playing that I can't take. You know, for like ten years, I took medicine to make sure your monthly appearance in my world was purely symbolic. And then, after that, we used caution to make sure that we didn't interrupt your flow. But ever since we decided that we wanted to banish you for at least 9 months - if not longer - you've been a downright rude visitor, time and time again.

What's with this nonsense of coming around to spot for a bit...and then going away? What's with your interference with my temperatures - make them go up instead of down, and so playing with my hope and my heart to make me think that something is going to happen, when it's clearly not? And what's with these varying cycle lengths and varying flows? You used to be so consistent. What's your issue?

Aunt Flo, I think we need to come to an understanding. You need an extended vacation...and so do I. How 'bout we compromise, here, and I send you packing to someplace nice and warm and beach-y for a year or so, and when you come back, maybe I'll actually welcome you. And in the meantime, I'll go on ahead and have myself a little one, who, if it is a girl, will learn all about dealing with your annoying visits soon enough.

Do we have a deal? At the very least, if you're going to visit this month, just get here and get gone so I can make another try at sending you packing next month.

Hugs,

~FM~

P.S. Red is SO not your color.

More Insurance "Stuff"

Read FD's health insurance policy last night before we headed out for Valentine's dinner, and although it's shockingly better than mine in the area of infertility, it's not much so.

See...his policy actually DOES cover testing - bloodwork, that is. No diagnostics like an HSG, no prescriptions for anything like Clomid, no procedures like IUI or IVF. But they cover injectibles. So basically, they'll cover sticking you with needles.

Definitely not worth pursuing. We'd have to wait until his next open enrollment period, which is just before his fiscal year starts in September. And then I'd be stuck on his insurance for the full year. So for $300 a month to add me, simply not worth it. We can use that money and pay for our own damn bloodwork and whatever else if/when the time comes.

I sporadically job hunt just to see what options I have, even though I love my job/company, so health insurance provisions will be something I check out more thoroughly in the future!

Until then...

Hugs,

~FM~

Looking Ahead...

...so I just went and checked my insurance coverage to see what all would be covered if we end up going down the road of fertility treatments after giving the CBEFM another four cycles to miraculously produce the results that two prior years of trying haven't.

And it's not good. I work for a major airline and have, what I previously thought, was awesome coverage. But here's what it says about infertility:

EXCLUDED EXPENSES

Infertility treatment: Expenses or charges for infertility treatment or testing and charges for treatment or testing for hormonal imbalances that cause male or female infertility, regardless of the primary reason for hormonal therapy.

Items not covered include, but are not limited to the following: medical services, supplies, procedures for or resulting in impregnation, including in-vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, embryo transfer, embryo freezing, gamete transfer, zygote transfer, and reversal of tubal ligations or vasectomies. Drug therapy, including treatment for ovarian dysfunction, and infertility drugs such as, for example, Clomid or Pergonal, are also excluded.

Only the initial tests are covered to diagnose systemic conditions causing or contributing to infertility, such as infection or endocrine disease. Also, the repair of reproductive organs damaged by an accident or certain medical disorders are eligible for coverage.

(emphasis in original)
ARGH! I'm not cross-covered by my husband's insurance, but even if I was, it wouldn't be any better. His insurance sucks bigtime...he needs referrals for everything and then not much is even covered. I was under it briefly while changing jobs - like 2 months or so until I got my own insurance again - and it was a waste to even have. $300/month in return for shitty coverage. No thanks. I'll get my own damn shitty coverage, TYVM.

So looks like if we need to get assistance...and at this point, that feels like a given, since it's been so dang long and with losses to boot...we're on our own dime.

Oh, but GREAT NEWS:

Eligible expenses that can be reimbursed from your Health Care FSA (HCFSA) include medical, dental, and vision expenses, and other expenses not paid by your Medical Benefit Option, such as deductibles, copayments/coinsurance, oral contraceptives, physical examinations, and infertility treatment.

(emphasis added)
Ok, correct me if I'm wrong here (but I work in HR, folks, and I know I'm not) but the money in my FSA is MY MONEY. So really, not a benefit. I mean, it's pre-tax and all, and that's fab, but it's still not like my employer has ANY infertility coverage.

I can't believe that not even Clomid is covered. I mean, I don't think that'd be my miracle drug anyways, since I know I'm ovulating already, but I can't believe that that's not even covered. This just makes me so upset. Because we all know that infertility treatments aren't exactly cheap. And while FD and I aren't poor, we certainly haven't been setting money aside for special treatments, either. Instead, we've been paying off our debt so when a little one DOES decide to arrive, we won't owe any other money and can instead spend our money on a baby.

This changes things.

ARGH.

Oh, and BTW, started spotting. AF, you hag, just go ahead and start, would ya?

Hugs,

~FM~

13 DPO and BFN

I cheated.

I didn't mean to, but I really couldn't help it.

My temp this morning was NOT higher than yesterday. It was .05 lower - 97.97 to 97.92.

And I'm starting to feel crampy and AF-ish.

So can you please tell me WHY I still tested??

Argh. I'm so disgusted with myself.

FD came home from a business trip last night and said he had a favor to ask of me - he wants me to learn how to relax because he thinks I stress out too much about everything, including TTC. And...I do. And he thinks that if I'd just relax, everything would work out.

ARGH. It does NOT work like that. That's like the insipid advice you get from some women who have not the first clue who say "oh, just stop trying and it'll happen." Where the hell is the logic in that?

He meant well. I know he did. But it just ended up hurting my feelings instead. I'm uptight and a worrier by nature. And I hate to tell ya, but after this many years of worrying over everything, it's not going to change overnight, if ever.

So I'm disgusted with myself for testing, frustrated with FD for thinking that I have this switch that I can just flip to relax, and overall just feeling burned out.

Looks like it's on to cycle 13 post-MC. Gee, yay.

Hugs,

~FM~

12 DPO...and NOTHING.

Ok, so I haven't tested yet. You all should congratulate me, because Future Mommy LOVES PEEING ON STICKS. But I'm just not hopeful. I'm just not. I don't know why. I have no reason not to be, I'm just not.

Let's see...what am I feeling? Well, lower back pain. But that means squat because my lower back hurts every day! Ok, face breaking out. That's surely a symptom, right? Well, probably not. Because although I don't get zits every month, I do get them sometimes, so this is just random. Let's see, I'm starving at completely random times, even after eating large meals. But wait - I have hyperthyroidism - and even though I'm medicated, it doesn't mean that I couldn't have a day or two when my metabolism is just fast. So that means nothing. BBs? Not sore at all. Not a bit. Cramping? Nope. CM? Yeah, thick and creamy and yellowish, but I'm now convinced that that's just my norm every month from O to AF. Spotting? Not a drop.

So...if I have a cycle like last month - aka, super short - AF should be here 2/15. If I have a "normal" length cycle, AF should be here 2/17 - that stupid, dreaded day. FF still wants me to test tomorrow, 2/14.

So let's review the criteria I set for myself. At 5 DPO, I said I'd test on 2/14 if I'd had a dip and then a return to nice high tems. At 9 DPO, I simply said I'd test if my temps remained as high as they were on that day, but if they'd returned to the level they had been at, I'd test 2/15 instead. So what to do?

Well, my temps went down gradually at 10 and 11 DPO, but back up today, 12 DPO. All are still convincingly higher than my cover line. So here's what I'll do: IF my temperature is higher tomorrow than it was today (it was 97.97 today) and IF I don't have any symptoms develop between now and then to convince me that AF is on her way, I will go ahead and use my last Dollar Store test tomorrow, 2/14.

If my temp doesn't stay high and is lower tomorrow than today, I'll re-evalutate to decide when/if to test. If I do test, and if I get a BFP, I'm sure you'll all hear me shouting with joy. And if it's a BFN, which is honestly what I expect, I will not test again until 2/18.

Sound reasonable?

Hugs,

~FM~

9? DPO...and STILL NADA!

Perhaps what will turn out to be remarkable about this cycle is that NOTHING is remarkable about this cycle. At all.

My BBs are a little sore, but THAT'S IT. No other IPS. Most other months, I find 3-5 things that I hang onto to convince myself that I have a chance that month, but this month? Totally nada.

I don't even feel confident with how many DPO I am! With the disagreement between my CM, my temps, and my CBEFM readings, I could feasibly be 7, 8, or 9 DPO today...consider what FF says:

• Using the ADVANCED method, FF says that CD 21=9 DPO. The explanation of this method claims that it takes into account ALL fertility signs, but really, I think it's looking at my temp rise on CD 13 and the fact that my last day of EWCM was on CD 12. (If I switch to the FERTILITY AWARENESS method, it also says that CD 21=9 DPO. The explanation on this method focuses entirely on temps.)
  
• Using the RESEARCH method, FF says that CD 21 = 8 DPO. The explanation of this method claims that it takes into account all new discoveries in cycle patterns and can be unstable because it is constantly changing.
• Using the OPK/MONITOR method, FF says that CD 21 = 7 DPO. This method looks primarily at the results of any OPKs you take or your PEAK readings on the CBEFM...and specifically, centers O on the second PEAK.

Reading more, FF recommends the ADVANCED method as most reliable, even when using a CBEFM. It does recommend, however, that if there is any discrepancy between the O date among the various methods, to use the latest one to determine the best date to test.

So...9 DPO would equal testing on 2/14; 8 DPO would equal testing on 2/15; and 7 DPO would equal testing on 2/16. I'm just realized that NO method recommends testing on 2/17; I'm so superstitious on that date, as it was my LMP from my miscarriage last spring.

What to do, what to do? Well...I had a promising temperature jump this morning...perhaps that could mean that I'll have a triphasic chart. If my temps the next few mornings support that and stay high, I will go ahead and test on 2/14. If this morning's temp was a fluke and it goes back down to around what it's been for the past couple days, I'll take it as a sign to wait until 2/15. And if it drops and stays low, I'll probably blow off 2/16 and wait until 2/18 to make sure AF isn't screwing with me.

What do ya'll think?

Hugs,

~FM~

5 DPO and Nada

So, apparently the CBEFM lies.

Or something like that.

My temps and my CM did NOT support the two peak days the CBEFM gave me. It's off by at least one day, probably too. WTF? I pay $200+ for a machine and test sticks and it's WRONG?!

Anyhow, FF tells me I'm 5 DPO today. Realistically, it could also be 4 DPO or 3 DPO, but we'll just stick with 5 I guess.

Zero symptoms. Still have lingering sickness from last month - I'm about ready to cut my nose off! - but nothing even remotely early pregnancy like. I know, I know, I know that it's too early, but I like to delude myself into investigating imaginary symptoms anyways.

Invested in the paid version of FF. So now I get to have it tell me that we timed our BD "good" (of course, it went back and said that about EVERY month in the past six) and that I should test on 2/14, 13 DPO. I think that's early...it's skewed because of my short cycle last month. But...

Hey, it's telling me to test. And we all know I love me a pee stick. And wouldn't that be an AWESOME Valentine's Day surprise?????

So...if I have a convincing dip before then...and if my temps are still good and high and not on the decline at that point...I'll test.

8 days to go. 8 days. ARGH! Cycle buddies, how are you doing?

Hugs,

~FM~

CD 13, First Peak

Well, I had three highs instead of two...so I just got my first peak this morning.

Not that it matters - apparently, I've just become Mrs. Grumpy Pants all the way around and FD has found it impossible to rouse me in the middle of the night when he gets home. And then I was gone all day today.

So tonight...I'm staying up until he gets home in three hours. If it kills me! If I have my first peak today and second tomorrow, that means we have some makeup work to take care of to redeem this cycle!

O pain today big time. Only the second month I've noted this. In reality, I'm sure I've had it all along, but just never really took notice before.

Ah...the days of the month where I delude myself into being hopeful until I come crashing back to reality 12 or 13 or 14 days from now.

Incidentally, with three highs and the first high coming a day later than last month, I'm now predicting this as a 27 day cycle. So we'll see. That'll put me at expecting AF February 17th. I was REALLY, REALLY hoping to avoid having AF due that day.

Why, you ask?

Well, that was the LMP for my last pregnancy/miscarriage, last spring. The irony of that is really a bit too much for me, quite honestly.

But it is what it is, right?

Maybe I can defeat the witch this month. It's been a year since I got what should have been my last period. Perhaps a sign?

Hugs,

~FM~