Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Remembering The Baby Who Wasn't

If you're looking for a more cheerful post, you may want to visit me at 0 to Mom or Breakfast at Tiffany's...today's post here at How to Have a Baby is a bit more somber than my typical fare.

Two years ago, today, I was in the midst of miscarrying a baby I'd only known about for a short time but was already very much attached to. (We later found out that it was likely I'd lost two prior pregnancies as well, but so early on that I hadn't been aware. Read more about that here and here.)

I had a lot of different emotions going on in my head that weekend. I was confused - what was causing this to happen? I was numb - how could I have gone from so happy to so devastated so fast? I was angry - why were so many women able to have babies without any issues, but not me? And above all else, I was sad...so very, very sad.

Sitting here typing this, I'm looking at my little miracle - my Baby Bunny. She's rubbing her eyes right now - it's bedtime - and she's fussing for me to pick her up and start our night time rituals like one last feeding, a little rocking, and maybe some singing or a story. When I make faces for her, she smiles or giggles.

As happy as I am to have this wondrous baby in my life, I'm still sad over the baby who wasn't...who I never got to see, never got to hold, never got to really feel.

But there's Baby Bunny smiling at me again. And I'm struck by the thought that but for our miscarriage two years ago, we might never have our beautiful daughter to hold and hug and love and treasure.

You can't play either/or games with human lives. But I can definitely say that the broken pieces of my heart experienced a tremendous amount of healing because of my Baby Bunny.

To all of you moms with earth angels, hug them tight!

To all who have suffered losses or are still on the journey to having a baby in your arms, you're always in my prayers. I pray, especially, for you to experience the same healing that I have been able to have in my life.


Mama Bunny

1 comment:

Tammy said...

We had a hard time conceiving. After 2 years we got pregnant and lost the baby at 4 months. It was the most difficult thing I ever went through. Fortunately we got pregnant 6 months later and had a beautiful baby boy whose 4 now.