The good news: hubby's poison ivy started receding even as I was typing the drivel in my last post, so this weekend turned out not to be wasted...for which I am thankful because I desperately needed for something to go right/well.
The bad news: what the flip is up with my chart? FF is claiming that I O'd on CD 12 because I had a freakishly low dip that day. But if I disregard that, the first temperature spike I get is TODAY, which is CD 20, although I guess it could have been creeping up since a kind of low temp on CD 18. But I forgot to temp on CD 17, so no idea if that plays into it. Basically, what I'm saying, is that I have no idea what I'm saying. My chart looks odd. Please go check it out and let me know what you think. Perhaps if I have similar temps tomorrow and the next day, FF will reset itself to a different date? I really wish that of all the days I could have forgotten to temp, it hadn't been the 17th.
2 days to EDD, 1 day to Thanksgiving. The turkey's already in its brine.
Hope everyone has a blessed holiday! Thanks, as always, for reading.
Smiles,
~FM~
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sanity: Gone (whine/rant)
I said a few posts ago that the goal I had for myself in November was to keep my sanity. Goal definitely not accomplished. This week just went to hell in a hand basket quicker than I could blink.
Now, before I start whining or ranting, I'll tell you that FM and FD are ok...nothing absolutely catastrophic happened, but enough crap went wrong that my head just feels like it's going to explode.
Where to begin?
On Monday, FD was diagnosed with high cholesterol and put on medicine. No real biggie...he takes the meds, it gets controlled, life goes on.
On Tuesday, FM went to the eye doctor for the first time in, oh, let's say, a long time. The good news is that her vision actually improved by just a tad - one step in each eye. Still bad vision, but just a little bit better. The bad news is that the doctor found a cataract busily forming in my left eye. I ask you!!! A cataract at age 27?! Not the end of the world and nothing can be done until it "ripens", but jeez!
On Wednesday, FM's Dad fell and broke his hip. ARGH. Mind you, I was supposed to get on a plane Thursday night to go up and bring him back to my house for the winter. He had surgery on Thursday - plate and screws - and they'll start rehab next week sometime. Good news: not an awful break. Bad news: therapy will take longer than normal because of his Alzheimer's - he won't remember a lot from one time to the next so there will be lots of starting over. The somewhat good news: his doctor will agree to him coming to Texas after he finishes in-patient rehab - which should conclude around the end of the holidays. The somewhat bad news: bringing him to Texas with an even more frail body and having to supervise in-home therapy in my house - ye Gods, that's going to be interesting to say the least.
Thursday, FD realized that the poison ivy he'd picked up while we were gardening last Sunday had started spreading. Want to know where it spread? TMI ALERT! It spread to his you-know-what! Are you kidding me? I find this out on the same day I start oozing EWCM. He went to the Doc and got a shot, but it probably won't finish clearing up until after the weekend. Ironically, I'm allergic to nearly everything that grows EXCEPT poison ivy, but I ain't touching his you-know-what with a ten foot pole until that mess is gone! Which, of course, means that November is a wasted freaking month. I should be O'ing on like Saturday or Sunday. I could scream. I could absolutely scream. Nine freaking cycles and nothing.
Today, I'm just ready to come unglued.
First thing that upset me today: FD called mid-afternoon to say hi, as he normally does when he wakes up. (Don't think him lazy - he sleeps so late because as a cop, he works overnights.) He wasn't at the house however...he was on his way to work. And just then he decides to tell me that he's going in way early tomorrow as well to work a college football game at SMU. Ok. First of all, when the plan still included Dad coming back with me on Saturday, FD was supposed to pick us up from the airport and help me get Dad settled in at home. Next, once my trip got called off (no reason for me to go up - I can't do any more up there than I can from here, and it saves Mom and I fighting), Saturday was supposed to be a time that we could spend together - just the two of us - for the first time since my MIL got here 10 days ago. (MIL went to spent a couple nights at her sister's house around a 1/2 hour from here, because she didn't want to be here alone with FD at work and me out of town and decided to keep her plans even when mine changed.) Now how in the blue hell, I ask you, could FD pick me up from the airport or spend time alone with me if he freaking had to work and knew about it all week????
I am NOT upset that he has to work. I understand that schedules change and work can be crazy. I AM upset, however, that he very blatantly did not communicate this change with me ahead of time. I am even more upset because I very much looked forward to having some time just with my husband. Is that so much to ask for?
Next, I just got off the phone with my all-too-cheerful mother. She's been freaking chipper since Dad broke his hip, because she still got what she wanted - someone else to take responsibility for him for awhile, even if it is the hospital. So she tells me that one of my first cousin's stopped by the hospital to visit Dad today. And somehow she gets on the topic of the fact that between having her second and third child, my cousin's wife had had a miscarriage. And she goes on to lament on how badly this affected the wife and how it derailed some of her plans and how they didn't think they'd be able to have another child and so on.
My mother is one of only a handful of people who knows that I've had a miscarriage. In response to her relating the story of my cousin's wife - not for the first time, either, since the MC was several years ago - I simply said "I understand". I was informed that I couldn't possibly understand and that since the wife had been getting older when she had her MC it was all the more devastating for it to happen. Mom is the same person whose reaction when I told her about my miscarriage was to tell me that I was too young to have children anyways and should just concentrate on other things in my life instead. How I really felt like responding, tonight, when told that I couldn't understand was to make a rude comment about how my cousin (who I really do adore) and his wife could barely afford the first two kids, let alone the third, and not to mention that the third was conceived not very long after her MC...but really, I couldn't bring myself to say something like that. I know that it's no less devastating to have a MC whether you have three kids or none, rich or poor, but dammit, don't tell me that I don't understand. Not when I've been through it myself, and certainly freaking not when I'm a week away from when my baby should be due and despite the fact that 7 months have passed since my MC and I'm in my 9th post-MC cycle, I can't seem to even freaking get pregnant now. WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND!?
And so, finally, that's really my issue, I guess. 1 week to go until the 23rd - my EDD. And no closer to having a child now than on April 1st when my pregnancy failed. My sanity is flipping shot after just a series of things going poorly and then this preying on it besides and I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out because I just don't see any change coming. I'm not hopeful. I just don't have it in me to allow myself to hope for anything. Everywhere I look around me, there are babies. Two will be attending my Thanksgiving dinner - one was born on the day that I learned that my pregnancy was failing; the other is the child of FD's cousin, who, along with her parents, were among some of the only other people that ever knew about my pregnancy and miscarriage. I now wish that I'd talked to some of my girlfriends about this back then, but I didn't...and now I feel like I can't.
I can't wait for this miserable month to just be over. I keep trying, really hard, to look at positive things in my life and think hopeful thoughts for the future, but then I just keep failing. Is it 2008 yet?
Thanks for reading through this drivel.
Hugs,
~FM~
Now, before I start whining or ranting, I'll tell you that FM and FD are ok...nothing absolutely catastrophic happened, but enough crap went wrong that my head just feels like it's going to explode.
Where to begin?
On Monday, FD was diagnosed with high cholesterol and put on medicine. No real biggie...he takes the meds, it gets controlled, life goes on.
On Tuesday, FM went to the eye doctor for the first time in, oh, let's say, a long time. The good news is that her vision actually improved by just a tad - one step in each eye. Still bad vision, but just a little bit better. The bad news is that the doctor found a cataract busily forming in my left eye. I ask you!!! A cataract at age 27?! Not the end of the world and nothing can be done until it "ripens", but jeez!
On Wednesday, FM's Dad fell and broke his hip. ARGH. Mind you, I was supposed to get on a plane Thursday night to go up and bring him back to my house for the winter. He had surgery on Thursday - plate and screws - and they'll start rehab next week sometime. Good news: not an awful break. Bad news: therapy will take longer than normal because of his Alzheimer's - he won't remember a lot from one time to the next so there will be lots of starting over. The somewhat good news: his doctor will agree to him coming to Texas after he finishes in-patient rehab - which should conclude around the end of the holidays. The somewhat bad news: bringing him to Texas with an even more frail body and having to supervise in-home therapy in my house - ye Gods, that's going to be interesting to say the least.
Thursday, FD realized that the poison ivy he'd picked up while we were gardening last Sunday had started spreading. Want to know where it spread? TMI ALERT! It spread to his you-know-what! Are you kidding me? I find this out on the same day I start oozing EWCM. He went to the Doc and got a shot, but it probably won't finish clearing up until after the weekend. Ironically, I'm allergic to nearly everything that grows EXCEPT poison ivy, but I ain't touching his you-know-what with a ten foot pole until that mess is gone! Which, of course, means that November is a wasted freaking month. I should be O'ing on like Saturday or Sunday. I could scream. I could absolutely scream. Nine freaking cycles and nothing.
Today, I'm just ready to come unglued.
First thing that upset me today: FD called mid-afternoon to say hi, as he normally does when he wakes up. (Don't think him lazy - he sleeps so late because as a cop, he works overnights.) He wasn't at the house however...he was on his way to work. And just then he decides to tell me that he's going in way early tomorrow as well to work a college football game at SMU. Ok. First of all, when the plan still included Dad coming back with me on Saturday, FD was supposed to pick us up from the airport and help me get Dad settled in at home. Next, once my trip got called off (no reason for me to go up - I can't do any more up there than I can from here, and it saves Mom and I fighting), Saturday was supposed to be a time that we could spend together - just the two of us - for the first time since my MIL got here 10 days ago. (MIL went to spent a couple nights at her sister's house around a 1/2 hour from here, because she didn't want to be here alone with FD at work and me out of town and decided to keep her plans even when mine changed.) Now how in the blue hell, I ask you, could FD pick me up from the airport or spend time alone with me if he freaking had to work and knew about it all week????
I am NOT upset that he has to work. I understand that schedules change and work can be crazy. I AM upset, however, that he very blatantly did not communicate this change with me ahead of time. I am even more upset because I very much looked forward to having some time just with my husband. Is that so much to ask for?
Next, I just got off the phone with my all-too-cheerful mother. She's been freaking chipper since Dad broke his hip, because she still got what she wanted - someone else to take responsibility for him for awhile, even if it is the hospital. So she tells me that one of my first cousin's stopped by the hospital to visit Dad today. And somehow she gets on the topic of the fact that between having her second and third child, my cousin's wife had had a miscarriage. And she goes on to lament on how badly this affected the wife and how it derailed some of her plans and how they didn't think they'd be able to have another child and so on.
My mother is one of only a handful of people who knows that I've had a miscarriage. In response to her relating the story of my cousin's wife - not for the first time, either, since the MC was several years ago - I simply said "I understand". I was informed that I couldn't possibly understand and that since the wife had been getting older when she had her MC it was all the more devastating for it to happen. Mom is the same person whose reaction when I told her about my miscarriage was to tell me that I was too young to have children anyways and should just concentrate on other things in my life instead. How I really felt like responding, tonight, when told that I couldn't understand was to make a rude comment about how my cousin (who I really do adore) and his wife could barely afford the first two kids, let alone the third, and not to mention that the third was conceived not very long after her MC...but really, I couldn't bring myself to say something like that. I know that it's no less devastating to have a MC whether you have three kids or none, rich or poor, but dammit, don't tell me that I don't understand. Not when I've been through it myself, and certainly freaking not when I'm a week away from when my baby should be due and despite the fact that 7 months have passed since my MC and I'm in my 9th post-MC cycle, I can't seem to even freaking get pregnant now. WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND!?
And so, finally, that's really my issue, I guess. 1 week to go until the 23rd - my EDD. And no closer to having a child now than on April 1st when my pregnancy failed. My sanity is flipping shot after just a series of things going poorly and then this preying on it besides and I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out because I just don't see any change coming. I'm not hopeful. I just don't have it in me to allow myself to hope for anything. Everywhere I look around me, there are babies. Two will be attending my Thanksgiving dinner - one was born on the day that I learned that my pregnancy was failing; the other is the child of FD's cousin, who, along with her parents, were among some of the only other people that ever knew about my pregnancy and miscarriage. I now wish that I'd talked to some of my girlfriends about this back then, but I didn't...and now I feel like I can't.
I can't wait for this miserable month to just be over. I keep trying, really hard, to look at positive things in my life and think hopeful thoughts for the future, but then I just keep failing. Is it 2008 yet?
Thanks for reading through this drivel.
Hugs,
~FM~
Monday, November 12, 2007
Nothing, Really
Well, this is an update...to say that I really don't have any update.
My MIL arrived safe and sound for her winter visit on Wednesday. She'll be here until the week after Easter, and, with nearly a week under her belt at our house, seems to be settling in just fine. She's a bit rattled by the general busy-ness of this area in general, but since she hasn't left the house more than a handful of times, she's coping ok.
My Dad will arrive next Saturday - the current plan is that I'll fly up after work on Thursday night, use Friday to get any last-minute details worked out, and then fly back with him Saturday morning. Since I work for the airline and we'll be non-revving it, we have a little bit of flexibility that we can play with, if need be.
It should be an interesting trip, to say the least...Dad has Alzheimer's, and for added fun, hasn't been on a plane in about 10 years or so...I believe his last plane trip was for a family wedding in California in 1995. Back then, his mental state was unmarred...now...well, I'm really hoping he has a clear day on Saturday, or this could be a bitch of a trip.
Mom's looking forward to her "time off", which is still unbounded by an end date - I just cannot pin her down on when she either wants to join Dad in visiting us in Texas (they live in PA) or when she wants me to bring him back home. Right now, we've agreed upon "a month or two or so."
On our end, it's 11 days to our EDD...and I find myself thinking about that more and more and more. FD's cousin, who was due a day or so before, has already delivered - about a week ago. It just keeps sticking in my mind that I should be as big as a house by now, or perhaps even have a baby in my house and life. :-(
FF is predicting our fertile time to be next weekend...not really sure how I feel about that for this month, honestly. Dad and I won't get back until Saturday afternoon from PA and I suspect it's going to take a few days of nearly constant attention to get him settled in. Added to being so close to the EDD, I just don't think my heart is even in trying for this month. Who knows, though? Maybe 9th post-MC cycle is the charm! Ugh. I can't believe so many months and cycles have gone by.
I'm going to go ahead and end this post before I just depress myself any more. Hope all is well with everyone else - I'll pop over to TTCAM to check on ya'll really soon.
Hugs,
~FM~
My MIL arrived safe and sound for her winter visit on Wednesday. She'll be here until the week after Easter, and, with nearly a week under her belt at our house, seems to be settling in just fine. She's a bit rattled by the general busy-ness of this area in general, but since she hasn't left the house more than a handful of times, she's coping ok.
My Dad will arrive next Saturday - the current plan is that I'll fly up after work on Thursday night, use Friday to get any last-minute details worked out, and then fly back with him Saturday morning. Since I work for the airline and we'll be non-revving it, we have a little bit of flexibility that we can play with, if need be.
It should be an interesting trip, to say the least...Dad has Alzheimer's, and for added fun, hasn't been on a plane in about 10 years or so...I believe his last plane trip was for a family wedding in California in 1995. Back then, his mental state was unmarred...now...well, I'm really hoping he has a clear day on Saturday, or this could be a bitch of a trip.
Mom's looking forward to her "time off", which is still unbounded by an end date - I just cannot pin her down on when she either wants to join Dad in visiting us in Texas (they live in PA) or when she wants me to bring him back home. Right now, we've agreed upon "a month or two or so."
On our end, it's 11 days to our EDD...and I find myself thinking about that more and more and more. FD's cousin, who was due a day or so before, has already delivered - about a week ago. It just keeps sticking in my mind that I should be as big as a house by now, or perhaps even have a baby in my house and life. :-(
FF is predicting our fertile time to be next weekend...not really sure how I feel about that for this month, honestly. Dad and I won't get back until Saturday afternoon from PA and I suspect it's going to take a few days of nearly constant attention to get him settled in. Added to being so close to the EDD, I just don't think my heart is even in trying for this month. Who knows, though? Maybe 9th post-MC cycle is the charm! Ugh. I can't believe so many months and cycles have gone by.
I'm going to go ahead and end this post before I just depress myself any more. Hope all is well with everyone else - I'll pop over to TTCAM to check on ya'll really soon.
Hugs,
~FM~
Monday, November 5, 2007
New Month...EDD Looming
Well, the month has changed...and boy is it going to be a busy one!
AF arrived late last Thursday night - so in the end, realism won out over optimism. Wasn't a shock however, and I'm doing ok. Disappointed, but ok.
In November, both my MIL and my father will be joining our household...MIL for 5.5 months, Dad for an undetermined amount of time - as little as a month or as much as three or four. We'll see! My mom needs a break from tending to him - he is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's and can be a handful - especially to my mom, who has less than zero patience.
So...for this month, the theme will be sanity. I can't possibly focus on starting a family this month - there will be too much going on with having MIL and Dad here, then hosting Thanksgiving for 15, and getting through what was supposed to be our due date on November 23rd - which also happens to be my mom's birthday. Argh, argh and more argh.
Going to keep temp. Using the theory of not necessarily trying but not preventing. Who knows - maybe the not trying will be the key - if we don't think about it, it may just happen. Like I said - who knows?!
I'll still be here to post and keep my sanity through sharing my life with all of you - and thank you to so many of you that come and read my drivel. It means so much to me.
Happy November!
Hugs,
~FM~
AF arrived late last Thursday night - so in the end, realism won out over optimism. Wasn't a shock however, and I'm doing ok. Disappointed, but ok.
In November, both my MIL and my father will be joining our household...MIL for 5.5 months, Dad for an undetermined amount of time - as little as a month or as much as three or four. We'll see! My mom needs a break from tending to him - he is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's and can be a handful - especially to my mom, who has less than zero patience.
So...for this month, the theme will be sanity. I can't possibly focus on starting a family this month - there will be too much going on with having MIL and Dad here, then hosting Thanksgiving for 15, and getting through what was supposed to be our due date on November 23rd - which also happens to be my mom's birthday. Argh, argh and more argh.
Going to keep temp. Using the theory of not necessarily trying but not preventing. Who knows - maybe the not trying will be the key - if we don't think about it, it may just happen. Like I said - who knows?!
I'll still be here to post and keep my sanity through sharing my life with all of you - and thank you to so many of you that come and read my drivel. It means so much to me.
Happy November!
Hugs,
~FM~
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Well...
...started spotting, finally, at 10 PM, which is 12 hours later than I normally start an actual flow. So really, still not sure what is going on. It's definite spotting - not just the faint pink streaks my mind may have imagined last night - but it's definitely not a flow. Argh, argh, double argh.
If I want to keep positive, I could argue that today's temp dive could be implantation and tonight's spotting implantation spotting.
If I want to be negative, ergo realistic, I could argue that I normally spot for a day or so before my actual flow starts and although that would mean that this month's cycle is a day longer than usual, that's happened once or twice before.
Argh, argh, double argh.
We leave tomorrow afternoon to camp out for the weekend for NASCAR - just got back from Truck quals in fact. Not going to temp over the weekend - while tent camping, my normal body temperature will be off by too much to get anything accurate. I'm very curious to see tomorrow's temp, however, and when/whether the actual flow starts.
This is just weird.
Off to write for NaNo...
Smiles,
~FM~
If I want to keep positive, I could argue that today's temp dive could be implantation and tonight's spotting implantation spotting.
If I want to be negative, ergo realistic, I could argue that I normally spot for a day or so before my actual flow starts and although that would mean that this month's cycle is a day longer than usual, that's happened once or twice before.
Argh, argh, double argh.
We leave tomorrow afternoon to camp out for the weekend for NASCAR - just got back from Truck quals in fact. Not going to temp over the weekend - while tent camping, my normal body temperature will be off by too much to get anything accurate. I'm very curious to see tomorrow's temp, however, and when/whether the actual flow starts.
This is just weird.
Off to write for NaNo...
Smiles,
~FM~
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